Putting That Shrimp Ken on the Barbie

It's been quite a time for weddings lately, and it's not even close to June. First Britney Spears got all excited and set the land speed record for a marriage -- single to married to single in a zippy 48 hours. Since she had it annulled, technically, it never happened, which I guess means we all dreamed it. Pretty scary to think that we can all wake up screaming from the same nightmare at the same time and we didn't have to eat half a Domino's pizza right before bed to do it.

Then in San Francisco, the mayor decided that his and her marriage licenses were oh so very '90s and decreed that gay couples could get married, which led to lines around the block, lawsuits in the courts, and Britney taking that kiss seriously and proposing to Madonna. Just kidding. Actually, Madonna's already married. To a film director who's helping ruin her already disastrous movie career.

We watched Ryan and Trista give pink a bad name while spending more money than anyone would lavish on a wedding that wasn't being paid for by a TV network. We waited breathlessly for every on-again-off-again announcement from Ben and J-Lo hoping, well, hoping they'd do something already. Anything. And now we have to deal with the biggest marriage disappointment of the year -- after 43 years of dating, Barbie and Ken have called it quits. That's right, you can dress Barbie in all the wedding gowns you like, she's not walking down the aisle with Ken.

According to a spokesman at Mattel, the company that owns the pair but insists that doesn't make it slavery, the happy, physically disproportionate couple is going their separate ways. It turns out that poor Ken is being dumped for a new upstart doll named Blaine. I have to say, if I was being dumped for a guy named Blaine I'm not sure if I'd drink heavily for a long time or feel relieved that I didn't waste another minute with someone who would actually want a Blaine.

It's a common story. Barbara Millicent Roberts, which is Barbie's full name, recently came out as Cali Girl Barbie -- not to be mistaken for Call Girl Barbie -- and took on all the trappings that come with it, including board shorts, hoop earrings, a deep tan, and skin cancer. Along with the change, she decided that Ken the boring old boyfriend is out and Blaine the Australian boogie boarder is in. Hey, I'm not making this up; a vice-president of Mattel is being paid big bucks to spout this stuff to the press. With a straight face, no less.

Apparently, Barbie's not taking on all of the Cali Girl attributes. She won't say "dude" all the time, will be found outside malls as well as inside, and won't be getting breast enhancement surgery, which is a good thing because if she had anymore added up top she wouldn't be able to walk without falling on her face. Not that she can walk on her own anyway, but still.

I'm sure this came as a shock to Ken. The break-up, not Barbie being top heavy. After all, they first started dating way back in 1961 when she was only two. For some reason no one seemed to bat an eyelash about that and, unlike Jerry Lee Lewis, the age problem didn't ruin her career. Of course, career may be part of the problem, since Ken wasn't exactly the most ambitious doll in the dollhouse. While Barbie spent time as a rock star, NASCAR racer, black woman and President of the United States, Ken was a cowboy, cop, astronaut and doctor. Kind of a one-doll Village People without the hit record. Not exactly prime husband material.

It's difficult to say how much this entered into Barbie's decision to dump him. After 43 years she may just have gotten tired of waiting for him to pop the question. Then again, he might have been messing around with her sister Skipper. I hear some strange things can happen in the privacy of a young girl's bedroom at night. It's also possible that Barbie is going through a mid-life crisis. After all, she's at the right age and has already done most of the mid-life crisis things, like tool around in a red convertible and go for Sunday rides on her Harley-Davidson, so what else could she do but dump Ken for a young hot Aussie surf stud? After all, Ashton Kutcher is taken.

The funny thing is, she could have had any doll she wanted all along but she stuck with Ken. G.I. Joe would have given his right revolver for her. The Power Rangers would have mightily morphed into anything they had to in order to win her hand. Chuckie would have, well, maybe we shouldn't think about the things Chuckie might have done to Barbie. And The Powerpuff Girls? Lets just say they would have had her at City Hall in San Francisco faster than you can say "Lipstick Lesbian Barbie." But she stuck with Ken. And dumped him right before Valentine's Day. The bitch.

I'm sure Ken will come out of this just fine. He's a good looking, buff guy and Barbie isn't the only doll in the toy store. But he might want to stay away from the Britney doll. After all, he's obviously into long-term relationships. I wonder if Dora the Explorer is available.


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