A Victim's Tale

"Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives."
-President George W. Bush

"Lawmakers, too, take an oath to uphold the Constitution, and they have a duty to resist when judges overstep their bounds."
-Jeff Jacoby, Boston Globe columnist

"This outrageous decision should motivate Americans to call a halt to the damage that activist judges are inflicting on America."
-US Representitve John Carter (R-TX)

A tremendous volume of ink and wind have been expended recently on the phenomenon of judicial activism. Type the phrase "judicial activist" into Google and you'll get around 230,000 returns; tack on the word "Massachusetts" and you'll get over 26,100.

As one state in a republic of fifty, my home state constitutes 2% of America; and with 121 presidential delegates out of 4322 - what better democratic indicator of a state's size and sway - we are a paltry .03%. Yet according to Google, which is every bit as representative as the Electoral College, we harbor more than 10% of the nation's judicial activists.

How we ended up with such a bumper crop of usurpers is beyond me. It could be that judges in my home state are appointed, not elected, and thus can operate without considering the vox populi, which is almost always right about everything; or it could simply be that these judges have gone mad with power, and have come to derive sexual thrills from imposing their arbitrary Soviet will on decent people like myself.

In any event, I am here to tell you, as a Massachusetts resident, that judicial activism is not only extant in my state, but utterly rampant. And I am one of its victims.

In my case however it wasn't my decency or heterosexuality that offended the judiciary, but my fervor for New England Patriots Football. While out celebrating the hometown team's stunning victory in the streets of Boston last Sunday, my bleary eyes became fixed on the license plate of a passing Honda Civic -- one which read, "South Carolina."

It took a few minutes to register with me, but when it did my purpose became clear: flip that car over. This was going to be difficult not only because cars are heavy, but also because it is exceedingly difficult to turn one over when you're jumping up and down on its hood, spattering beery urine all over the windshield and pointing in a hilarious fashion at the mortified driver.

I shook off and climbed down from the car as my buddies lined up on one side and began rocking it. Having learned a thing or two from the Pats about teamwork, I joined them. The driver, for her part, managed to escape through the window before the car went over with a crunch. While we were trying to get the doors off she grabbed my arm and pleaded, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because Pats rock!" I screamed at her.

When I woke up I was in the back of a Boston Police car, and it wasn't long before I wound up before an activist judge. It goes without saying that my fate was decided well before I even opened my mouth.

"Your behavior last night was reprehensible," his "honor" said. "We have a dozen people who witnessed you vandalizing that car and terrorizing the young woman inside ... Mr. Keohane, for God's sake, you're a grown man."

"Bullshit," I said. "You just hate football. If this happened after like a dog show or something you wouldn't give two shits. Pfft. Don't even try to bring God into this."

"I see," he intoned. "So it's safe to say you have no remorse for the pain and damage you've caused?"

"Goddamn right I don't," I said. "Shit."

He didn't even pause to consider; he just fell back on his radical agenda, smirked and sent me away, another faceless victim of judicial activism. My only crime is my love for football, and all that my fandom affirms about manhood and teamwork and America.

As I sit here today being hungrily eyed by my activist cellmate, I realize that it isn't just my future that is under attack, it is the future of the United States of America. How many more citizens must become political prisoners in order for the Federal government to take notice and reconsider the parts of the Constitution that have to be changed in order to prevent liberty and tradition from being eroded even more?

It's just so gay, is all.

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