We Got Him
* This article is entirely fictional. If I were you, I wouldn't quote it.
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the White House, George Bush ran the halls screaming, naked and teary.
"What is it?" asked Laura.
"We got him!" he shouted.
"Him!" he whined.
"Osama?" she leapt, hoping her husband would affirm her hopes; that the one responsible for September 11th was finally in their custody.
"No, no. That other one! The guy with the torture and the big bombs. Kaboom!" he yelled, throwing his hands into the air like a mushroom cloud.
"You mean Kim Jong Il, then," she said, soothingly.
"Who?" he replied, scratching his head.
"The ruthless leader of North Korea. The one who starves his people under totalitarian rule, hates America with a vicious passion, and has no qualms about using nuclear weapons to back his agenda."
"Oh, that guy. Uh, no! Not him, Laura, don't be stupid. Do you think we're going to attack a nation that could actually beat us? Come on now, woman, get with it. I mean the guy with the fake weapons."
"Well then it's either G.I. Joe or Saddam Hussein you're speaking of," Laura said.
"Sam! Saddam! Whatever. Yeah, that's the one. Speaking of G.I. Joe� where is mine?"
"Over here honey," she said, holding up a ripped, All-American soldier figurine.
"Awesome!" he leapt in to bed and seized the toy from her, "Anyway," he explained while playing, "we never did catch that Osama guy. He's a tricky one. But, on the bright side, we did level his country looking for him."
"I'm very proud, hun."
"As for the South Korean --"
"North," she corrected.
"Right, North. We can't get him. Jeez, the man has a million guys in his army. We'd still win, but we'd get trounced! Then how good would this country look? Besides, North Korea doesn't have any of that gooey stuff that Dick likes. Olive oil, or whatever. Dick says we should stay outta North Korea. He said they have a big dog that'll bite you if you go in there."
"I know! But, it's about time we caught that Saddam dude. He was becoming a pain. Him and all his huge weapons."
"Now, George, to be fair, you haven't found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq."
"Yeah, but so long as we keep pretending there are some there, there is always a big chunk of people willing to believe it. You know what I call those people, Laura?"
"Consumers? Taxpayers? Americans?"
"No, no, and double no. I call them Voters! I'm so happy that we found him, just when people were starting to lose faith in America's ability to find these guys. The Ace of Spades! I particularly like that catchphrase. That's almost as good as 'regime change.'"
"You know, George, I was reading an alternative media source the other day�"
"You did what?!"
"Well I was curious to see --"
"There will be no dissention in this house, Laura, I mean that. Alternative media is wholly unpatriotic. It's like� it's like� witchcraft! Oooh, that's a good one, hold on�" George leaned over to his bedside table and scrawled "WHICHKRAFT" on a pad of paper. "Remind me to send that to the fellas at FOX News will ya, honey? Speaking of which, did you send them that 'Thank You' present I asked?"
"Yes, although I don't know why I did�"
"I just get a little soft for them 'round this time of year. After all, it's around the anniversary of when they gave me the election."
"Oh, I see. Yes, that was awful nice of them, you know� To announce that you had won the election before the polls were closed to dissuade Democratic voters from going to the polls at all. A very kind gesture."
"Yeah, man! Anyway, I just hope Saddam leaks something about some big weapons, otherwise I'm licked at this next election. All it'll take is one humungous bomb for the people to have to say 'Yeah, yeah, Ol' George was right.' Gee, I want them to say that�"
"I wouldn't worry about it, George."
"Well, if next November rolls around and you still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction, you can just get some buddies to make something up for you."
"Won't I get in trouble for lying?"
"Not if you say you lied to protect patriotic, God-fearing Americans from an attack by a suicidal, jihad-declaring, turban-wearing, woman-oppressing, child-stealing, Muslim fundamentalist!"
"Child-stealing?" George asked, puzzled.
"I threw that in there, just for show. Can't hurt."
"I like that!" He then wrote "CHYLD STEELEEN" on his notepad. "Golly gee, Laura, you're so smart. No wonder you have all those book programs."
"What can I say?" she said blushing, "I read good."
"Aww� this is the best Christmas ever!" George said, bear-hugging his wife.
"Here's to a New Year, a new term, and a new America," she said with a wink. And with that the George's laid their heads down to sleep. All was well in the big, white house.
Mike LaPointe is a Canadian high school student living in Ontario. In addition to being a published newspaper columnist, he is the editor of the online culture source Fuzed Magazine. You can email him at email@example.com