The Grannie Awards

The Academy Award nominations for Motion Picture Excellence were announced on the same day as the New Hampshire Primary. For those of you confused by this bizarre confluence, I have grafted the realms together to hand out a series of awards named after the performances recently seen here in the Granite State. So, grab your socks and drop your cocktails, here they come: this year's Grannies.

The I Can Spin the World Award: Joe Lieberman. Called his fifth-place, single-digit New Hampshire finish a victory. Referred to it as a "split decision for third place." This guy is good. Or spooky.

The Pained Grimace Award: The poor folks standing on the podium behind Senator Lieberman. Forced to smile interminably while he mouthed this incredible drivel.

Most Creative Nickname Award: a tie. John Edwards, "Kentucky Fried Kennedy." And for the real JFK, John Forbes Kerry, "Kaptain Ketchup."

The Shoot Yourself in the Foot Award: General Wesley Clark. Speaking of John Kerry, "He was only a Captain, I was a General." Fine win in a very competitive category.

The Your Sense of Humor is All You Got When You Look at Yourself in the Mirror in the Dark Award: Dennis Kucinich. Speaking of his 1 percent vote in the Granite State on Fox News, "the battle for sixth place continues." 1 percent. That's only 1 percent more than you and I got in New Hampshire, and you weren't even there.

The In Your Face, You Liberal Weenies Award: Former Treasury Secretary and confessed gambling addict William Bennett. Disparaged Kucinich's optimism with an obscure reference to Poker Tournament odds.

The Unclear on the Meaning of the Word "Irony" Award: Chris Mathews. Spent entire week mocking Howard Dean's red-faced Iowa rant.

The Awwwwww Award: John Edwards. Called his run for the Presidency, "the little campaign that could." Kentucky Fried Smurf is more like it.

Tortured Campaign-Speak Award: Joe Lieberman. Talked up his "Joementum." Supposedly a clever twist on momentum. As graceful an idiom as tumbling backhoes.

The Emperor's Clothes Award: John Kerry. For label of "most electable Democrat." Like calling Posh "the smart Spice Girl."

Best Chill Pill Award: Howard Dean. After channeling Joe Cocker in speech following third-place Iowa finish, managed to dial it down. I, for one, was afraid if he won this one, there would be nothing left on stage but bits of chum.

The Loosey Goosey Award: John Kerry. Temporarily ditched suspicions he was Lincoln animatron escaped from Disneyland's Hall of Presidents.

The Pull Out All the Stops Award: Joe Lieberman. Trotted out his 89-year-old mother to campaign for him in sub-zero weather. Back where I come from, that's called elder abuse.

The Mashed Potatoes on Paper Plate Award: New Hampshire. Whiter than the Osmond Family Christmas in Norway Special. If this state were any more Caucasian it would be translucent.

Best Achievement in Special Effects: John Kerry's hair. Unanimous decision.

Will Durst is winging his way west, home to warmth and none too soon.


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