Mad Politician Disease

Federal authorities said on Friday that it could take weeks or months to trace where a Congressman in Washington DC with the nation's first case of Mad Politician Disease was contaminated with bad advice and that the task may prove too tough and investigators may not succeed at all.

Uncovering the partisan committee who counseled the diseased member of Congress, who was humanely slaughtered on Dec. 9, is thought to be crucial to determine how many other civil servants may have also contracted Mad Politician Disease and how far it has spread. The disease, a degenerative debilitating ailment known as conscientious spongiform encephalopathy, causes politicians to accept any money thrown their way, forgoing any and all ethical considerations. It is believed to take at least two entire two-year terms to incubate and can usually be traced back to a single unwholesome contribution.

Since the questionable legislator was found to be diseased late in his second term, investigators believe he was probably infected by accepting tainted contributions at an early state in his career -- contributions that could have also been accepted by other unsuspecting bureaucrats or facilitated by aides who may have moved on to other staffs. A delay or failure to find the source of the poisoned contribution would probably intensify the already growing number of calls for a national system to track political funding. But as a practical matter, regardless of whether the dubious money's source is ever found, federal officials are destined to come under heavy pressure to increase further regulations and testing, possibly including ear tagging, as early as at the initial announcement of the formation of exploratory committees. Regulators already face calls to eliminate all oil and tobacco moneys from the political food supply and insurance and pharmaceuticals are sure to be next. Other demands might include mandatory testing of brain cells from slaughtered representatives that show any signs of nervous condition when questioned at citizen forums or, as was the case with the "Downer" politician in Washington, an inability to stand for anything other than the National Anthem.

If we're lucky, we could know something within a matter of a day or two," said Dr. Depak Phillips, Dean of the University of Virginia's School of Politics in a conference call with reporters on Friday. "Hopefully, this will speed the momentum for a national identification system, enabling us to isolate the corrupted campaign consultants responsible so we can eliminate them without further contamination to the various components of our government."

This optimistic view of the Mad Politician scare was not shared by all. Bradley Ogden, chair of the Ethics in Government Panel of Bethesda, Maryland, cautioned: "If not stemmed immediately, this epidemic could reach all the way to the top," repeatedly winking and nodding towards a television set showing a Presidential Press Conference. He went on to say "Even if the dirty dollars of Consultant One can be found, it is not necessarily going to be possible to figure out who bought the lunch that led to its infection. Imagine yourself a politician and trying to remember what money you accepted 4 years ago. That's not really the kind of thing these people keep accurate records on."

Asked to comment, the White House claimed the Mad Politician Scare is an isolated incident inflated for political purposes by the enemies of freedom and the source will eventually be traced to a batch of bad PAC money originating from a non-profit animal rights group based in Canada.

Will Durst thinks the term non-profit animal rights group is redundant.


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