Tonight on Fox: The Saddam Show

Editor's Note: The following essay is intended as a satire. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely intentional.

One of my CIA interrogators (I call him the good cop, inshallah) was very kind to agree to get this message to you. As you know, I have now been moved from one lair to another. They, of course, want me to speak, and speak I will. But as you and I know, in this world, nothing is free anymore, especially speech.

I still remember with pleasure the many "considerations" that your Fox News Channel provided our Ministry of Information. You got visas. You got access. I even let Geraldo in against my better judgment. (I drew the line at O'Reilly!) And I don't think we disappointed you. Fox is "Number One," thanks to the war in Iraq and the role I played in making it appear to have been a real conflict. A "Showdown with Saddam" (smile, smile, wink, wink)!

How many of your viewers did I scare straight to their TV sets? Plenty. How many switched the channel? Very few. I was pleased to read that Fox was again "Number One" in the coverage of my "capture." Did you like the beard? The stuck-in-the-hole thing? I thought you would.

So I have a proposal that will benefit us both. What good am I to your viewers dead? Having me around will keep them coming back. And why stop at news coverage? You showed that even a convicted felon like Oliver North could be rehabilitated with a TV slot. Why not me?

I am sure you know that the man you called "comical Ali," my Minister of Information Al-Sahhaf (I loved the beret. Picked it out myself), now has his own talk show on Abu Dhabi TV. And, praised be the One I praise, it is doing great across all demographics. He lost one job and gained another. He is famous for being famous.

I am sure, inshallah, I could do even better for Fox.

The Saddam Show would send your ratings through the roof. Imagine the calls, the hype, and the publicity for a show with the man everyone loves to hate. Think of the promos: "He's Bad and He's Back!" Dun, dun, dun. If the show works, we might discuss devoting an entire channel to me. The Pentagon considered the last one I had so powerful that they had to blow our TV station up to tune us out. It drew big numbers then, and it can again.

Please share this proposal with Mr. Murdoch. Give me a year's guaranteed contract in prime time and I will continue to make TV history for you. You and I both know that bad guys do better. I tried to raise this idea of a TV special starring Bush and me when I spoke with Dan Rather before the war, but he just didn't get it. What do liberals know? CNN was never grateful for all we did for them either. They made a fortune thanks to the first Gulf War.

Now it is your turn. I know you, and you alone, have the "contacts" to get me out of here.

Don Rumsfeld will hate the idea to begin with, but, henny penny, he can be brought around. Chalabi could become my Fred McMann. I've already talked to him.

Alas, I have no agent at the moment, but I will be happy to become yours. No price is too low. And as you know I passed my last health check: the world knows I have no bugs in my hair or WMD in my mouth. You are beating CNN in America. With me in the line up, you can do the same all around the world.

Sorry, but I have to go now. The sodium pentothal is ready.

All praises to thy name. Foxes are always Number One!

Saddam.

PS: Save the signature. You can always auction it off on E-Bay.

Danny Schechter writes a daily blog for MediaChannel.org. He is the author of "Embedded: Weapons of Mass Deception – how the media failed to cover the war on Iraq. (Prometheus)
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