Dear United Nations

Dear Secretary General Of The United Nations:

Hey Kofi. How's it going, bud? How's the missus? Hope you two had yourselves an excellent summer. One question; hot enough for you? Just kidding.

Say, about that whole "The UN is a quaint anachronism" and "the UN is a bunch of irrelevant wimps" and "the UN would rather sip chamomile tea than kick evil ass" stuff that went down last spring. Well, as you may or may not know, when a Texas boy swallows his pride, he's got to chug a 55 gallon drum of castor oil to prime the chute and that's what I'm doing. And believe it or not, I got some experience with 55 gallon drum chugging.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. Might have gotten a little carried away there pre- war. My only defense is it was the heat of the moment. Trying to rally the troops. You know, the whole leadership deal.

Well, as you probably read, the whole "shock and awe" thing went fairly well. For us. Not so good for the evildoers, if I do say so myself. Got ourselves the junior evil ones -- Uday and Qusay. But in the 8 hour standoff, they did manage to get a bit bruised up. Didn't look quite right to the Iraqi people, so we had some of our boys do a post- mortem make- over. Worked like the proverbial charm. Sort of a battlefield version of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Have you seen that show. What a hoot!

Did find ourselves embroiled in a couple of minor internal squabbles. Happens in every family. Can't have an omelet without breaking a couple of huevos. Not going to blame the Rumster for getting a little cocky. That man's spirit is a thing to behold. Just got to make sure to slap him up once a month or so. And truth be told, we got ourselves a three page single spaced list of folks volunteering for that job.

So, let me cut to the chase. The reason I'm writing: well, it seems we're losing some boys. About one a day. And its having some nasty repercussions, militarily, financially and politically. Not the best of timing what with an election coming up and all, and I was just wondering. Well, we were wondering. Okay, Colin Powell wonders if you guys might agree to send some of your people over to assume DOMINANT roles, taking a bit of the heat off us? A multinational force led by US, but with blue helmets totally visible on the front lines with real ammunition and everything.

You know my public stance. "Either you're with us or you're against us." But hey, I love you guys. Don't forget, when my Dad was ambassador to your hallowed halls, the VIP bar off the Security Council was my second home for about a year and a half. By the way, if you get a chance to say hello to Roger, the bartender with the perpetual cold, tell him "the check is in the mail."

Oh yeah, one more thing, could you get someone to speak to France and let them know if they expect to have a seat at the decision making table, they'd better call me. I spent the entire month of August trying to get in touch with anybody. And nothing.


George W Bush

Oddly enough, Will Durst tried calling France the entire month of August with a similar result.

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