Durst: You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This

  • We've turned into "the little boy who cried chemical weapons." Two weeks ago, troops find strange stuff. "Hey everybody, likely possible potential chemical weapons: right here." Two days later, fifth column, page 12, below the fold: "Oh, that stuff? Insecticide. Not an FDA approved insecticide. Raising serious Geneva Convention ramifications." Later on, a Marine contracts a mystery rash. Pentagon goes large, "Ugly skin rash. Lookit, lookit, lookit. Guy has a rash. Not a good rash either. We're talking bad rash. No idea what it is." Couple days pass; turns out the soldier's suffering from, are you ready for this prickly heat. Seriously: prickly heat. If the Koreans really intend to be taken seriously, they need to develop a drastically virulent strain of athlete's foot.


  • The guy I'm going to miss most is the Iraqi Minister of Misinformation. "Saddam's loyal forces have repelled the Coalition Forces miles outside of Baghdad's city limits. The American scourge is on verge of surrender." Meanwhile, you could see the advancing troops reflected in his glasses. This guy has a future as a press agent for "Lord of the Dance."


  • Commenting on the epidemic looting in Baghdad, Secretary Rumsfeld allowed that democracy is untidy. Untidy? Making capitalism what? Scruffy? Unkempt? Free market policies? Fuzzy flotsam in search of bedraggled trickle down theories supporting haphazard quarterly dividend reports. Our two party system: just another grimy faced tousled haired waif clad in the hand- me- downs of a rumpled Magna Carta. Parliamentary orts.


  • Ahmed Chalabi, founder and leader of the Iraqi National Congress, a much better name than Opposition Thugs, is the expatriate leader hand- picked by President Wolfowitz to head up an interim government. And currently dodging a multi- million dollar bank embezzlement conviction in Jordan. Who says this administration avoids appointments encumbered with paper trails? Of course, if Chulabi's political career flames out, he could always open up an Arthur Anderson Baghdad division. His first move should be to import a six burner double-oven Wolfe range because the books of Cheney's Haliburton buddies are going to require some extremely creative cooking.


  • You would have thought Bush would have the common human decency to wait and try to hide the Haliburton contract. You know, slide it onto the second page of the middle of a thick list. But no. First grant down the pike: $9 billion worth of pipeline repair, construction and maintenance. Say what you will about Dubyah, he ain't reluctant to be obvious. The Liberace of patronage.


  • Ridding the Mideast of tyranny. Not what you call a weekend project. More like a kitchen remodeling. Just when you think you're done, unforeseen forces demand plumbing upgrades and drywall replacements. Not to mention a minimum of 4 more permits.


  • Will Durst needs a kitchen remodeling. And is accepting donations.

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