To War, To War

To war. To war. It's time we go to war. And as Johnny goes marching off again, we here at home must fulfill our patriotic charge by preparing ourselves for survival in the unlikely event of an unlikely event. Tom Ridge said so. Or something like that. After his semi lucid disastrous duct tape and plastic sheeting ramblings, the head of Homeland Security let the big secret out of the bag that the government has plan zero for our safety and we're pretty much on our own like those poor orphan kids in that Lemony Snicket series, "A Series of Unfortunate Events," which sounds suspiciously like the last two years and forty days doesn't it? According to government higher ups, our future survival might well depend on putting together an emergency kit unique to the individuality of our family.

The basics, we know: batteries, extra bottles of water and if any living being in the house lacks a Y chromosome, reams and reams of spare toilet paper. But one family might just bottle their own tap water, while another may stockpile specially distilled Icelandic reserve glacier water drawn specifically from pre 1987 calvings. And both would be right. By taking my moral obligation as role model to entire generations seriously, I offer up this list as a kind of blueprint for others to follow if they desire to survive with a modicum of style.

Will Durst's partial list of things to make sure are only a quick run downstairs on top of the dryer away in case of unctuously extreme emergency. (You're going to need a big dryer)


  • 4 cases Anchor Steam Ale.

  • 6 bottle openers.

  • 2 Industrial Strength E-Z Bake Ovens.

  • 20 pounds Peet's Aged Sumatra Coffee Grind #5.

  • 1 Solar Powered Jerky Hydrator with the Optional Brown Squirrel Attachment.

  • Tinfoil.

  • 1 Hand Crank Wind- Up DVD Player. And A Copy Of 2002 World Series That Ends After 51 Innings.

  • 1 Complete Raymond Chandler Reader.

  • 200 Freeze Dried In- N- Out Burger Double Doubles With Ketchup, Pickles And Onions.

  • 1 Box Raisin Bran. The Big Box. Lasts Months. With or Without Dried Milk.

  • 1 .308 Caliber Army M4A1 With Tripod Mount, Laser Sight And A Couple Dozen Clips.

  • Lots And Lots of Campbell's Tomato Soup. And Garlic Croutons to soak in it.

  • MacGyver's Handbook to Making Electric Eye Door Openers with Rubber Bands and Toothpicks and Other Neat Stuff.


Will Durst does not mean to intimate he is looking forward to this crisis, but he figures a comfortable crisis is better than a inconvenient crisis.

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