Personal Voices: An Open Letter to the President

Dear President Bush,

Remember back when you were first running for President and you had that interview where you made that joke about the death row inmate who begged you for her life. But then you killed her anyway? Well, some people didn't find that funny, but I found it really funny! I think we sort of have the same sense of humor. It's a little dark, but it's FUNNY, isn't it? Here are some of my favorite jokes of yours:

What I think is really funny is 3,000 cruise missiles being launched into Iraq within the first 48 hours of the war. The idea that you call that "precision bombing," boy, that's funny.

And this is hilarious, the first Gulf War killed 205,500 Iraqis, three-quarters of the dead were civilians, including 74,000 children. More than 100,000 died of postwar adverse health effects. That's so funny. I just look at that line that says "74,000 children" and I'm laughing again, and I bet you're laughing too. Admit it, you're grinning a little. Come on, 74,000 children killed. Do you feel that smile coming on? Yeah.

And you know that's peanuts compared to the can of whoop-ass you're about to unleash on those kids, what do you call it, "Shock and Awe" as in "Awe there just went my baby girl, I'm covered in her blood, awe there just went my legs." See, that's funny.

Now, it's also sort of funny that in the US-Afghan war, the US military killed 3,400 civilians. That's almost equal to the 3,700 civilians killed in the World Trade Center. I admit, it's more of a dry, ironic kind of humor, but come on, killing innocent people to get back at someone for killing innocent people, that's rich. "Killing innocent people is bad, let's go kill innocent people." If someone said that on "Married With Children" it would get a real big laugh.

Now, I know this cracks you up because it cracks me up--the UN sanctions against Iraq, begun by your dad and continued by you, didn't do a thing to Saddam, but they did manage to kill 5,000 children under the age of 5 every month! Every month! 5,000 children dead! It upsets you so much you're launching 3,000 cruise missles and blowing more kids up now. Talk about not leaving a child behind, har, har, har. ("Awe, there goes my mom!")

What's really funny is that Kofi Annan estimates that this new war could swell the number of displaced people in Iraq to 2 million and create a million refugees. A million! It doesn't get any funnier than that! What, are they all gonna have little sticks and bandanas tied up with food in 'em? Oh, that's right, they won't have any food. And the joke's on them, because they didn't even vote for Saddam.

What's really, really funny is that you even use the word "terrorist." Aw, man, you're killing me.

Toby Barlow


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