Plastic Sheeting and Duct Tape

Plastic sheeting and duct tape.

That's how the Office of Homeland Security says we can make our homes safe in the event of a biological, chemical or radiological agent attack. Wrap ourselves up like leftover pieces of Chicken Breast a la King stuck on the top shelf of the perishables section of a Korean bodega. Just another example of George W Bush telling us: "Go about your ordinary everyday business, but be very afraid."

Just a couple of questions here: 1) Wouldn't a better use of the duct tape and plastic sheets be to slap a couple pieces across Donald Rumsfeld's mouth? I'm just asking. 2) If we do seal our houses up, mightn't we run the risk of suffocating like forgotten dime store goldfish? 3) Could this whole plastic sheeting and duct tape crap be a stealth attempt by the administration to kick start the economy by getting consumers back into hardware stores?

It seems to be working. For crum's sake, the entire state of Georgia is out of the stuff. They've managed to panic us poor little sheep into trampling each other like Norwalk Virus victims on the sun deck dispensary of a Carnival Cruise Lines ship. I don't know about you, but I am less than soothed after being provided with this comprehensive anti-terrorist plan of self defense. I do not feel as snug as a bug in a hermetically sealed rug.

In other words, no, I have not been comforted. But you go ahead, be a good American, go down and try to pick up your fair share of duct tape and plastic sheeting. Turn your house into a giant Zip Lock Baggie and your neighborhood into the crisper bin of a shared refrigerator in the kitchen of a 200 employee insurance agency. And if the shelves are all empty, don't you fret, dear friend, there's plenty of other ordinary household items you can purchase to insure the protection of your family in much the same way.

Only different.

  • Tinfoil and nailguns. Brown wrapping paper and super glue. Screen doors and pitchforks. Replacement materials in lieu of no grey tape or saran wrap.

  • Shovels and pick axes. Might find yourself some spare time to work on a bit of basement remodeling. I'm thinking guest room, shelter bunker.

  • Yellow legal pads. Last words, final thoughts. That sort of thing.

  • Caulking guns and tabasco sauce. Improvise your own weapons.

  • Refrigerator magnet poetry kits. You know, for the kids.

  • Rain gutters, tile grout and a sampler of glossy paints. Try your hand at home sculpture!

  • Lots of string and clean tin cans. High tech communications devices could become useless. Time to return to the time tested. Will Durst tried that tabasco sauce thing. Wear eye protection.

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