Death to Automobiles!

Yes, you gas headed heathen, you heard me correctly. Death. Horrible, nasty, "oh, the humanity!" death to automobiles. It isn't enough that they keep me awake at night by pounding bass beats into my brain with their 30-inch JL polka-dot speakers. It isn't enough that they make walking down the street an eye sore for anyone who hates having to see nothing but pavement, pavement, pavement everywhere. And lord knows it isn't enough that I wet my pants on a daily basis after some yuppie freak in an SUV almost runs me over while trying to change the radio station, sip from his latte and talk on his cell phone all at once. Wouldn't you know that on top of all the other crap I have to put up with because of these 4 wheeled goons, I've got to breathe the same type of car excrement that has turned LA's sunsets into a reproduction of a 12 year old boy setting his G.I. Joe on fire. Automo-bile is destroying our air and cars are forcing Mother Nature to go underground. The effect this is having on our health and on our culture is disgusting. Cars need to go away, now.

After reading a Mark Twain piece titled "the Lowest Animal", I knew what I'd have to do... capturing 5 motorists as they exited their S.U.V.s and dragging them into my horse pulled buggy was no problem. It was the pedestrians that posed the greatest challenge because of the limber and muscular legs they possessed. But my trusty tranquilizer gun and me were prepared. In no time flat I had 5 unconscious motorists and 4 knocked out joggers strapped to the shag carpeted floor of my laboratory. I was going to use the scientific method that car-driving culture so depended on to discredit it.

The first of my tests was a simple measurement of how much of my test subjects' stomach flab I could pinch between my fingers. I began with one of the joggers and was immediately surprised at how enormously blimpish her tummy was. Upon closer inspection, my mind made created for this robust belly the simile of it being akin to an overweight walrus. Upon even further inspection, my keen eye deducted that this stomach belonged to no other than a pregnant woman. The effects that the tranquilizer was having on the baby were no doubt euphoric and unnatural, but I would have to deal with that matter later. I was a scientist. I had an experiment to conduct.

The rest of the pedestrians were stringy and in shape. I could have eaten a six-course meal off the firm chest of one of the fitter pedestrians (and I did, for I was feeling famished). I moved onto the motorists. Spongy love handles and stretch marks are what greeted my eye, leaving me with no other option than to use a permanent marker to decorate the robust tummies with giant faces that spoke to me. My conclusion was that the pedestrians were healthier than the motorists for no other reason than that they were forced to do more daily walking than just the perfunctory morning bed-to-bathroom-and-back urinary waltz.

My second experiment had to do with the personality differences that I was sure separated gas-guzzlers and hippie children. I emptied all of what resided in the automobilists' pockets onto a sterile beanbag and did the same to the pedestrians. The hippie-children's pockets yielded water bottles, Cliff Bars, and the materials needed to crochet. The gas-guzzler's things were comprised mainly of cell phones, Palm Pilots, heavy wallets and an assortment of various lint types. This all seemed pretty mundane until I opened the money heavy motorist wallets and found that every car driver had at least 2 credit cards, was a card carrying G.O.P. member or Democrat, and had a membership to Blockbuster Video. This sent my mouth into a stream of expletives the likes of which it hadn't produced since the last time I had myself flogged by my favorite Singaporean dominatrix. Motorists really were devils.

I conducted a series of several other experiments over the next few weeks, each more painstakingly delicate than the last, each using more and more complex equations and chemical additives than the previous, but to my chagrin, none of these experiments were conclusive. It was then that it occurred to me that I had absolutely no formal training in any type of formal experimentation. It then also occurred to me that I had only passed my high school Chemistry class by bribing the teacher.

But the results of my first two experiments were not in vein. The fact that the motorists had wallets full of cash and bellies full of lard are indicative of a far-reaching disease in this country, on this planet. Not only are cars polluting our air, destroying our environment, forcing us to pave the world over in rubber friendly cement, and causing an entire culture to slip slowly into agoraphobia, but they're also over ripening our fat glands and making the world, dare I say it, too convenient. When I say death to cars, some might say "that's drastic, unlikely, and stupid", but the fact is that pretty soon we'll die off because of air pollution and lack of exercise unless we do something now. I hate to have to say "Death to Automobiles" but automobiles are saying "Death to Humans" with their every gas-guzzling growl. So I'll say it again...
death!death!steak-through-the-heart death to automobiles!

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