Piece Of Earth
Washington, DC (Neuters) -- Concerned that messages of love and peace may be hampering its War on Terrorism, the Bush Administration is calling on Americans during this holiday season to think "Piece Of Earth" instead of "Peace On Earth."
According to U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "Peace is so elusive, especially when you're not looking for it. So why not promote something that you actually want -- a piece of the Earth? Right now the piece of Earth is Iraq, but it could apply nicely to any prime real estate worth fighting for. Heck, I've got visions of Venezuela's oil fields playing in my head even as we speak."
Mr. Rumsfeld also urged family members of US troops not to mail cards and letters that mention peace.
"We don't want to confuse our soldiers about what their main mission is out in the field. If you send cards, use a Sharpie to cross out love, peace, and any other offending or unpatriotic words or phrases. If you must mention Jesus, don't refer to him as the "Prince of Peace." Try the "The Rocking Redeemer" or "Subcomandante J" instead."
Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, who is likely to replace Trent Lott as the Senate's Republican leader, claims to have the votes to amend the U.S. Patriot Act to punish as treason the waging of peace during Christmas.
According to Senator Frist, "Now that we're at war with Saddam, oops, I mean, IF we go to war with Saddam, we can't think of peace. While peace is a nice thought, it should be an afterthought. We should think about it after we win the never-ending War on Terrorism. We can address peace after we've killed all our enemies."
Civil rights groups criticized the Bush Administration's policy, but took great pains to make it clear that they were not attacking the President. One prominent civil rights advocate said, "Doing away with the First Amendment does concerns us somewhat, but we don't mean any disrespect toward President Bush. We can and do distinguish between the man and his policies. We think George Bush is adorable and that his every command, however quirky and bizarre, should be obeyed without pause. However, we do think his policies are a little Nazi-like -- er, you did say this was off the record, right?"
Polls reveal that 30 percent of Americans believe that the difference between peace and piece is pure semantics. Fifty-five percent believe that the Augusta National Golf Club should invite Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Ladin before allowing any women to join. And 73 percent think that buying holiday greeting cards that say "Peace on Earth," especially those featuring Snoopy and Woodstock, are the best way to achieve world peace.
Oscar Gonzalez is a lawyer and writer of satire who lives in Dallas, Texas.