The Case for California Secession

USCAAll right, take your fingers away from covering your eyes and stop that sobbing. It's over. The 2002 election, that is. I don't know which was uglier. Bush's smug smile or staying up way too late watching the rest of the country scream at us to eat their dust as they peeled out with an incredibly hard right turn leaving the state of California sitting all by our lonesome as the last remaining residents of Liberalville.

It was de-evolution in action. Like Cro Magnon Man dropping down to all fours and feverishly attempting to stick his tail back on. What you saw was a group of potential survivors vote themselves off the island of progress. We get to stay. Yes, yes, yes, I know, we're the real problem here. Not a single Republican voted into statewide office. We're the ones out of step with the rest of the nation. Out of Goose Step with the rest of the country.

So, why not step even further out. Just split. Leave the nest. 50 - 49 = 1. Face it, they don't like us. And we don't need them. We got the food. We got the wine country to wash it down with. We got the movies, the Disneyland, the Yosemite, the Death Valley, the Sierras, the otters, the Humboldt County. We could use a flag and some money, but otherwise, we're set.

If you ask me, they need us a hell of a lot more than we need them. We miss anything bad enough, we simply replace it. New York? Couple more skyscrapers and Sacramento becomes a major metropolis. Only difference: folks smile and wear shorts. You want gambling? We build us our own Las Vegas located somewhere more conducive to human existence than a desert. What else: you want Chicago? Just dirty up Bakersfield a little.

Why not secede? (Wait, let's encode it so they don't know what we're talking about. C-Seed. Tell 'em it's a new insecticide.) Why not C-Seed? Bush won't stop us. It's not like he'd lose sleep canceling all those planned trips to northern California. Subtract our electoral votes from the equation and his re-election is more secure than cold spot welded door rivets in a glue factory. He could move back to Crawford and nap until November 2004. Let Dick and Condi attack whichever small defenseless country they want. Be easy to sneak the bill through Congress. Call it "USA Bill To Deny Democrats 54 Electoral Votes Every 4 Years."

Remember how the Feds laughingly flipped us off when the Texas energy corps held us down and mugged us for more than $20 billion? You really looking forward to 2-to-6 more years of that? Of California women worrying themselves sick every time a Supreme Court Justice coughs, wondering if this is the end of Roe vs. Wade? Of Ashcroft's stormtroopers contradicting the will of our people by knocking over wheelchairs to confiscate a couple ounces of herb? Bush wants regime change so bad? I got his regime change right here.

With the seventh largest economy in the world we get instant credibility. No disrespect, but this isn't like Alabama or Iowa going solo. Probably rack up new immigration applications like we were giving away free beer at a frat party. You want commitment to environmental protection, education reform, and a woman's right to choose, Californy is the place you ought to be. So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly. Its a win-win. We got a lot going for us. And here's just a couple more examples.

10 Most Bitchin' Reasons California Becoming Its Own Country Would Be So Cool

  • Four words: Vice President Nancy Pelosi.

  • State and local legislatures already extremely comfortable setting foreign policy.

  • Our own armed services. Eastwood, Schwarzenegger, Stallone or Willis in charge?

  • Opening weekend foreign distribution movie figures go way up.

  • You want a war. I got a war for you. We invade Florida for orange juice supremacy. Then take on Wisconsin for that whole cheese deal. Then France. For the wine? No, for the hell of it. Because now it's in our blood.

  • Our own intelligence agency. Imagine the allure of an assignment to one of our undercover cells in Reno.

  • Can extradite and convict Enron CEO, Ken Lay, at our own war crimes tribunal.

  • We charge a fee on every foreigner trying out as a contestant on "Wheel of Fortune." Call it a stupid tax.

  • Bechtel (a California based concern) builds a Great Wall right down the middle of Lake Tahoe. Screw the corner. Straight line. North to south.

  • We outlaw Fox News as a foreign propaganda tool.

All political comedian Will Durst wants out of this is the California ambassadorship to Belize.

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