The Best Attack Ad

A couple of Washington Post reporters have called this the "Seinfeld" election because it's supposedly about nothing. But if you've spent any time listening to the radio or watching television, you're probably convinced this is the "Newman" election because of its overwhelming petty venality. Now normally when I hear somebody talk about how they're not going to vote, it's a struggle to keep from slapping them silly and I need to be held physically restrained all the while screaming how they and their kind don't deserve Democracy and should be forced to sleep on the floor of some hut in a country where voting is a distant dream and not the tortuous chore it has become here.

But this year I wonder how any sane person could vote for any of these liquid squeezebags. If you believe one tenth of the ads, you'd have to assume every politician running is a cretinous fool toad asswipe lizardstick, when we all know that's just the two guys running for governor in California. You know the drill: It starts with a black and white still shot of the opposition candidate caught with a weird drooling expression on his face and his eyes half open, and an uber authoritarian voice-over sadly intones the long list of his sins.

"It's so sad. Bob Johnson says he's the candidate that represents the people. But does he represent you? Did you know Bob Johnson would rather raise your taxes than spend time with his own children.

Bob Johnson not only supports dumping toxic waste into the bay, late at night, he does it himself.

When Bob Johnson returned a VHS copy of "Dude, Where's My Car?" he didn't rewind it.

Bob Johnson once voted to put a hazardous meat plant right next to a emergency animal hospital.

Bob Johnson thinks women who are barefoot and pregnant have too much time on their hands to think dirty thoughts.

Bob Johnson once was a roommate with a man who became a serial restaurant tip skipper and admitted he learned everything he knew from Bob Johnson. Bob Johnson not only kicks puppies, he is the founder of APKA, the American Puppy Kickers Association.

Bob Johnson has made it easier for hardened criminals to acquire weapons and harder for pre school kids to purchase ice cream.

So wrong in so many ways, call Bob Johnson and tell him to stop kicking puppies AND that he doesn't represent you. Paid for by the Bob Johnson Sucks Committee."

Will Durst wonders if there's a puppy kicking 12 step support group. Don't forget: Will: Cobbs Comedy Club in the Courtyard of the Cannery: this weekend. Funny comedy humor ensues.

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