Duct Tape News

According to the October issue of the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, duct tape is a more effective, less painful alternative to liquid nitrogen for use as a wart remover. Let me repeat that; duct tape is a good wart remover.

I doubt this will lead to giant grey rolls of duct tape in every American medicine cabinet unless one of the big drug companies decides to mix moisturizer in the glue, marketing it as "Skin So Soft as a Ducks Ass."

This stuff is amazing. Repairing shoes on camping trips, repairing canoes on camping trips, repairing the connection between the keg and the tapper on camping trips, this we've all heard. Fixing carbon dioxide filters on Apollo 13 for a safe return to Earth, yeah, we've been told that. But warts?

How the hell did someone figure out to put duct tape on warts in the first place? Is there some guy just applying things to things? Concrete on stys? 10 W 40 on breakfast cereal. Banana daquiris on ringworm? Or was this one of those happy accidents like teflon, silly putty and Frank Lautenberg? And have these odd hard working researchers also experimented with duct tape on those pesky spotted leaking boils? Tumors? Varicose veins? West Nile Virus? Subdermal hematomas? Smallpox?

Wait a minute. Slow down. Does this mean basements in our colleges are filled to the brim with scientists huddled around bunsen burners ripping measured lengths of duct tape specifically for purpose of furthering the greater good of mankind through publishable research grants?

Fine, groovy, way cool, let me, Citizen Durst, amateur protector of society as we know it, jump in and give it a shot. No matching grants involved, but what the hell, we do accept donations. Hey, as a public service, it's all deductible.

Other previously unknown uses for duct tape:

- When George W Bush gives another press conference to offer a different reason as to why we need to invade Iraq, you rip off a couple pieces of duct tape, crumple them up and plug your ears.

- In order to improve your financial situation, cover the opening in your mail box and receive no more bills.

- On this November 5th, all Californians should use one long strip of duct tape to cover blindfold themselves when faced with the choice for Governor between Bill Simon and Gray Davis.

- Turn to the business page and utilize the duct tape to blot out all the columns featuring your mutual fund investments.

- Cut out a piece of duct tape one inch by two inches and whenever Jerry Falwell appears on TV, cover his mouth and draw a silly mustache on it. That way he will look as ridiculous as he sounds.

- Make a shiny grey porkpie hat.

Will Durst likes duct tape. But better than that, he likes the Giants chances against the Angels.

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