You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This!

- Congress is preparing for a doomsday scenario. I guess that means in the event legislators are forced to underground bunkers, surrogates will be appointed to accept their bribes. Wonder what the evacuation policy is in the Bush White House: women and donors first?

- The Post Office has developed a plan to deliver the mail even after a nuclear war. Isn't that comforting: civilization is dead, you're fighting with dogs for food, but you still have a chance to win the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.

- A federal court has okayed smoking pot for religious purposes on government land. Please feel free to refer to me in the future as Reverend Durst. I don't smoke, but I like the people who do. Is that weird?

- You know what would be weird? For Castro to discover oil just outside the gates of Guantanamo. That's what would be weird.

- A Stockton, Calif. elementary school will be named after Geoerge W Bush. Wonder if the the valedictorian will be picked from a pool of C students?

- Martha Stewart looks like she might survive a Congressional Investigation. Too bad, I was really looking forward to the whole series in Martha Stewart's Living on how to fashion rags and scraps of toilet paper into a comfortable throw pillow for use on your stainless steel cot. And the proper way to sharpen a shank.

- A federal judge blasted John Ashcroft for arresting people before a crime has been committed. I blame Stephen Speilberg. The man thinks he's Tom Cruise in "Minority Report."

- Amy Fisher is writing for a New York area newspaper and Pamela Anderson is now a regular columnist for Jane Magazine. I'm sure its all part of a career exchange program whereby qualified journalists are now gainfully employed as bimboes.

- Michael Jackson has accused Sony record executives of being racist. Obviously he can relate to the plight of the young struggling African- American singer. At one point, early in his career, he was black too.

- Rumors persist merger negotiations are ongoing between the terrorist groups Hezbollah and Al Qaeda. Wonder what they're going to name the new organization: Enron?

- Legalized pot is expected to be approved by voters this November in Nevada. Gambling, prostitution and now drugs. All Vegas needs to be the perfect place to live is water.

Will Durst could live in Reno in a New York minute.

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