Intelligence Shakeups Continue: FBI to Be Renamed 'FIB'
High-level officials close to the White House revealed that recently announced reorganizations at the Federal Bureau of Investigation were just the beginning. Other major changes are planned to improve antiterrorist investigations, national security, crime solving and, above all -- public image. To erase Internet jokes and increasingly negative attitudes toward the FBI, Director Robert S. Mueller III will recommend a minor organizational name change. It will be called the Federal Investigations Bureau, or FIB.
Mueller, who has already announced major new operational initiatives, will probably name a new chief of antiterrorist investigations. It is rumored that the highest ranking female agent, the popular Mia Culpa, will be tapped for the job. Mueller has been the target of bipartisan criticism. A number of legislators are puzzled why he is called Mueller III. They are asking, "Are there two other Muellers, and if so, where are they -- and where were they on 9/11?"
Mueller has the support and confidence of the President, mainly because he's willing to stay in this country. CIA Director George Tenet has fled town, ostensibly to deal with the Middle East crisis, but rumor has it that his real mission is to recruit sorely needed spies to replace all those who have quit to write tell-all books.
Presidential pretender Donald Rumsfeld, who has Army and Navy intelligence reporting to him, has allegedly gone to meet with Indian and Pakistani leaders to find out why in the world either of them want the Kashmir. In actuality, according to knowledgeable sources, he has a tip that the Al Queda is occupying a suite at a Motel 6 in Rawalpindi. In addition, Washington insiders say that Attorney General John Ashcroft has also been directed by the President to go abroad to tighten ties to the Vatican. However, Ashcroft is trying to beg off because there are just too many paintings, frescoes and statues in the Holy See displaying embarrassing nudity.
Mueller is also expected to announce an important new anti-terrorist initiative recommended personally by the President who is very high on volunteerism. The FIB plans to enlist volunteer shopkeepers throughout the nation to form a "Counter" Intelligence Corps. Participating storekeepers will report suspicious activities by their patrons, such as men dressed as airline pilots buying huge amounts of fertilizer, swarthy men with dyed blond hair purchasing box cutters or olive-skinned young women with lumpy waistlines canceling their manicure appointments.
It is anticipated that this volunteer intelligence operation is already creating great controversy among liberals and pro-terror groups alike. The ACLU, prompted by rumors, has jumped into action to protect innocent shoppers -- and, on the other extreme, the notorious Blond Muslim Brotherhood is pressing to condemn blonde jokes as bias crimes.
In another major move, the White House will coordinate the work of all American intelligence agencies -- both civilian and military -- by establishing a centralized Linked Intelligence Exchange (LIE) reporting directly to Condaleeza Rice. She will henceforth be responsible for all public statements based on FIB and LIE activities. "We will permit some selected FIB statements to be announced by the agency director, but the LIE is my responsibility," she reportedly told confidants at her secure office six stories below the Washington Metro.
Sid Frigand is the author of Sid's Almanac, a weekly compilation of satire and rants.