Finally, America Wins the Drug War!


Laura Bush's Change of Heart

The First Lady has undergone a radical change in her attitude towards drugs. Watch the Flash video here!



Drug Policy Alliance, the nation's leading drug policy reform organization, announced today it will close all of its offices by the end of April. The unexpected news follows the U.S. Government's announcement that it has won the war on drugs. Dozens of stunned employees are searching for new jobs.

"When Newt Gingrich, current House Speaker Dennis Hastert, and dozens of House Republicans held a press conference in April 1998 to promote drug war legislation they said would make America drug-free by 2002, we wondered what they were smoking," said Ethan Nadelmann, executive director of the Drug Policy Alliance. "For years we couldn't keep drugs out of our prisons. Who would have thought that we'd finally find a way to seal our borders and keep drugs from coming into the country?"

Members of Congress are reveling in victory. "Critics said our strategy had been failing for three decades," said Rep. Mark Souder, Chair of the Speaker's Taskforce for a Drug-Free America. "But I always knew that if we could just hit the magic number of incarcerated Americans we'd finally win this thing."

"It's amazing," said John Walters, the nation's drug czar. "Just months into this job, the drug war is already over. But I couldn't have done it myself. I have to thank taxpayers for funding hundreds of billions of dollars of prison construction, police overtime, and television ads blaming teenage drug users for terrorism," he said. "Drug policy reform advocates said we spent too little on treatment and education. Our victory has shown that both were overrated all along."

President George W. Bush lauded the American public. "The United States can finally put its youthful indiscretions in the past," the President stated. "Some people questioned whether evicting public housing tenants for their relatives' drug use and taking away federal college aid for students with drug convictions was really compassionate conservatism. But the proof is in the pudding. The fact that America's now drug-free shows it was all worth it."

As the United States discovers its drug-free identity, millions of former drug users are finding new ways to spend their time. "Now that I don't smoke pot," one former user said, "I feel like I have a new lease on life. I have much more time to drink my morning coffee. Of course, sometimes that gets me a little jittery, but after an evening cocktail I feel much better. Being drug-free has really helped me."

Drug policy reform organizations across the country are closing down, as their work to reduce the harm caused by both drugs and drug prohibition is no longer needed.

This is an April Fools Day press release from the Drug Policy Alliance.
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