Total Patriot Live: Ashcroft Writes, Sings Patriotic Jingles

[Editor's note: The following article, written and produced by an AlterNet satirist, was originally scheduled to appear on Wednesday, March 12 ... ]

John Ashcroft recently decided that a Grammy -- that well-respected, non-commercialized music award -- would make a good addition to the attorney general's office. It would, Ashcroft argued, enhance the United State's image as the proud, fair country of rock 'n roll, without giving off the slightest hint of jingoism.

The following video, captured by Web TV, shows Ashcroft's entry into this year's Grammy competition. The video features Ashcroft himself singing his new inspirational solo track, Let the Eagles Soar. (You will need Real Player to see the video; it's free, and we highly recommend downloading it so you can see this.)

[Editor's note, part II: Subesquent to writing the above satire, however, the satirist discovered that the events he had imagined were, in fact, real. He then wrote the following:]

Wait! This just in!

It's real! Ashcroft is really, truly singing!! The BBC actually reported this, including a quote from a Justice Department lawyer who said, "Have you heard the song? It really sucks."

That's it!! No more, I want off. Let me off this crazy planet!!

[Editor's note, part III: Immediately after filing this report, our satirist resigned on the spot, stating that the world had become too absurd to ridicule. AlterNet regrets the loss.]

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