Radio Free Iraq

Last week, it was reported that the US is considering building a radio transmitter to broadcast programming in Iraq with the intent of fomenting opposition to Saddam Hussein. The $1 million tower would be built in either the Kurd-controlled area of Iraq or one of the less evil sections of Iran.

While the Pentagon insists that broadcasting would be administered by existing Iraqi opposition groups, rumors have persisted that it will actually be run by the Office of Strategic Initiatives, which exists only in the ether of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's denials.

Below is an outline of a recent test broadcast:

6:00 am "Revelry" played on an 82-string Qanoon.

6:05 am One of the 7500 pages generated by Vice President Cheney's secret energy task force is read, in Arabic, to satisfy the General Accounting Office's demand that the records be made public.

6:30 am Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle loudly proclaims his tepid, questioning support of Radio Free Iraq.

7:00 am "Fa'iz and Abd-al-Sami's Morning Zoo" radio show. Hijinks include hilarious prank calls to Saddam's palace and setting oil wells on fire.

11:00 am Chris Matthews yells and interrupts his way into the hearts and minds of Iraqis.

Noon "Recipe of the Day." Organic Approval Ratings cooked in a low-expectations reduction sauce, wrapped in red, white and blue cheesecloth. Serve with caramelized fear, breaded truth and herb-infused blame.

1:30 pm Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle will remind people that, while he is indeed supportive of the Radio Free Iraq initiative, he's not sure if it's really the right thing to do. He then offers tips on how to cut your own hair.

2:45 pm Failed attempt to lure Saddam out onto the streets by announcing a nationwide game of Kick the Can.

4:00 pm "Presidential Show and Tell." George W. Bush reads the stamps on his passport and tells us all about the neat places he's been.

5:00 pm Presidential adviser Karen Hughes reads the "official" White House transcript of "Presidential Show and Tell," highlighting the reflective and insightful comments that no one but Hughes had heard.

7:00 pm Cheney's pacemaker temporarily interferes with broadcast signals. The people of Iraq listen to the vice president's delicate heart, the sound of which bears an eerie resemblance to the panicked wheezing of illegal immigrants running from border agents in the dead of night.

10:00 pm Distant echoes of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle's gentle yet firm criticisms of President Bush float through the dry desert air as the people of Iraq drift off to sleep.

Midnight "Talk Dirty with Helen Thomas." The dominatrix of the White House press corps takes calls on all subjects sexual, including: Achieving simultaneous points of order, lobbying your wife's minority whip, bilateralism, filibustering your way to a mind-shattering referendum, and the separation of church and state.

David Turnley writes satires for


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