Ken Lay's Gettin' Crazy!
- After mounting media criticism, the Pentagon has quietly rescinded its program to create a Ministry of Misinformation for propaganda purposes. Besides, after careful reflection, it was considered redundant.
- Some of the congressmen involved in the Enron inquiry are being very circumspect in their questioning, fearing if they push too hard, Ken Lay will cut off their allowance. At least this thieving, lying weasel is being investigated by a true jury of his peers.
- Testifying before Congress, Ken Lay said he was hesitant to take the 5th Amendment, because people might assume he has something to hide. YESSSS! Then he said he thought of his Enron employees as family. Yeah, right, and he was Andrea Yates.
- Marine biologists warn the world's shark population is being threatened and are calling for a replenishment of the species' natural breeding grounds: law schools.
- Salt Lake City is being congratulated for hosting a spectacular Olympics. The President says he hopes Americans were inspired by this demonstration of discipline, training and the benefit of healthy lifestyles sponsored by McDonald's, Pepsi and Budweiser. Especially impressive was the security. Didn't see Tonya Harding once.
- Baseball's spring training has started and San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds will be hard pressed to equal his exploits from last season when he hit a major league record 73 home runs. To put it in perspective, that's almost one home run for every five Montreal Expos season ticket holders.
- Scientists say Ritalin use might have significant long term side effects. Raising the question among adults constantly surrounded by hyperactive children: who cares?
- You got to hand it to Chinese athletic officials. To prove they deserve to host the 2008 Olympics they're trying hard to turn over a sportsmanship leaf. One thing they might want to change is when the final gun goes off, make sure its not pointed at anybody. No losing competitor wants his family charged 7¢.
- The US is being criticized for treatment of the Al Qaeda prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, I bet those chain link fences are murder on a tan.
- Maybe the fates of Enron and K-Mart and Global Crossing will put a halt to all those politicians saying they want to run the country like a business. Probably not.
- Rush Limbaugh's hearing loss forces him to deal with the most exasperating predicament of his life. A crisis he can't blame on Clinton.
- Love the Tourism Board of the Congo. They're finding the brightside of nationwide volcanic eruptions and subsequent rivers of lava: "All pools now heated."
- Hollywood agents want a new contract with the Screen Actors Guild, but talks have hit a snag while SAG negotiators seek to determine just exactly what it is the agents do.
- A snow storm closed schools this week in Kentucky, sending shock waves around the country. Kentucky has schools?
- $25 million reward for the head of Osama bin Laden, which for the Pentagon is what, six hammers and a case of duct tape?
Will Durst is full of beef.