Olympic Winners and Losers

Aaarrgh. People, peel me off. I am glued to the tube watching the XIX Winter Olympics where we, and yes, I do mean the US of A, are kicking major Russkie and Scandinavian ass. Paddling big furry white butts is what is going on.

We're on a pace to better than double our previous personal best in terms of medals won. Not too shabby when you consider we're doing it with only one African-American.

All the experts are saying this is terrific timing for the country. But the ramifications run much wider than just eardrum piercing chants of "U-S-A" in bars and living rooms all over this great land of ours. So, let's catalogue the side winners and losers of these Salt Lake City Winter Games.

Winner: George W. Bush. Does the term "Enron" have any meaning here? Enron? Enron who? Exactly.

Loser: Smurfs. After two weeks of Katie Couric and Bob Costas, the little blue cartoons now seem positively diabolical in comparison.

Winner: The state of Utah, who have lost that whole stuck-in-the-wilderness stigma amid reports of world class gouging including three and a half dollar Snickers bars.

Loser: Creed. My sacrifice was wasting time waiting in vain for a freak blizzard to blow out your equipment catapulting the entire band to a Wyoming wolf's lair.

Winner: Olympic spectators, who are now allowed to bring in their own food since they ate the entire Olympics inventory of seven dollar hot dogs in five days.

Loser: New York City. Discarded and replaced as sympathetic darling by Canadian pairs figure skaters.

Winner: Canadian pairs figure skaters who were mugged in front of the world and milked it for 6 days of endorsement quality publicity.

Loser: Canadian pairs figure skaters. Whine. Whine. Whine. Now they got a silver and a gold. Well, whoptee do. What the hell, give them a bronze too.

Winner: Slackers, in the form of Australian, Stephen Bradbury, who was so far back in the 1000 meter short track finals, he remained totally unaffected by the crash taking out the front four skaters and literally skated through the wreckage to the gold. Dude!

Loser: Axis of Evil. Combined medal count: 0.

Winners: Dick Cheney. GAO? What GAO? Exactly.

Loser: NBC. It's been a full four months since they've been able to launch new Law & Order series. Olympics blamed.

Winner: Roller Derby. Clever promotional tie-ins could re-invent itself as short track Olympic speed skating on wheels.

Loser: Hollywood. For not signing up the Austrian ski jumper who looks like Harry Potter to do a series of adult themed sequels where the graduated wizard student becomes an alpine spy.

Winner: Roots, the clothing company that makes the ultimate sought after USA beret. Maybe now people will forget those stupid shoes that made you look like you were always walking uphill.

Losers: Atlanta, because everybody keeps saying, "Yeah, sure, there's huge, immense gouging going on, but nothing like Atlanta."

Will Durst is certain Torino, Italy, will break the ten dollar capuccino barrier in time for the XX Winter Olympics in 2006.


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