You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This!

- Florida Governor's Jeb Bush's daughter Noelle was caught trying to pick up a fraudulent prescription at a drive through drug store. Fortunately, Secretary of State Katherine Harris is expected to investigate and find nothing wrong.

- Wonder if the hot tub Taliban, John Phillip Walker Lindh was attracted by clever recruitment posters: "We suppress more women before 6am than most other fanatical barbaric regimes do all day." "Join the Taliban and see the caves."

- Houston is talking about keeping Enron's name on its baseball stadium. They should also consider Titanic, Hindenberg and Custer World.

- I imagine the toughest job for John Ashcroft's staff is interpreting notes taken while Mister Compassionate Conservative is speaking in tongues. Not got mention, the guy probably still writes his "s's" as "f's."

- It was sobering to be confronted on television with bin Laden's video brimming full of hatred, vengeance and intolerance. Oh, sorry, that was Falwell's 700 Club.

- The most tragic byproduct of the accusation that Tyson Foods is importing illegal aliens to work at their chicken processing plants is the fact they're taking jobs away from illegal aliens already here.

- Academy Award officials reportedly are taking extraordinary security measures to ensure Winona Ryder doesn't take any statuettes home.

- Congress has returned from its winter break where they went home and did nothing for a couple of weeks. Kind of like a working vacation.

- Now that Congress has reconvened, 99 year-old Senator Strom Thurmond should buckle down and finish up that long term project of his. Actually sitting in his chamber seat.

- The Transportation Department has dropped its requirement that airport security workers be high school grads. Soon, the test will consist solely of whether they spell "high school" with a "k."

- The good news is both political parties have resolved to cut spending in 2002. The bad news is the spending they're bound to cut will be yours and mine.

- A church in New Mexico is burning Harry Potter books. Apparently they inspire kids to do un-Christian things like read.

- Scientists have discovered the protein linked to the aging process. By isolating this enzyme, researchers hope they may one day be able to better understand Andy Rooney.

- AL Qaeda prisoners have been taken to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba where they are reportedly receiving subhuman treatment: drinks without umbrellas, mintless pillows and no sunscreen available with an SPF rating over 10.

- The good news for potsmokers is a federal judge ruled its okay to drive under the influence of marijuana in Idaho. The bad news is: you still got to be in Idaho. Ow. Ouch.

Will Durst is proud of his President. Okay, there, I said it, happy? Don't forget to see Durst at Cobbs Comedy Club in the Courtyard of the Cannery, Thursday through Sunday, 31- 3. 415 928 4445

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