Pretzel Paranoia

You know, I might very well have been convinced George W did pass out after choking on an unchewed pretzel while watching the Baltimore Ravens playoff game if only his staff hadn't held a press conference to announce to everyone that he passed out after choking on an unchewed pretzel while watching the Baltimore Ravens playoff game. It just tickles a very familiar nerve near where my Nixon bone meets my Clinton joint.

Try as I might to swallow this force fed goofy anecdote, I end up suspecting something else much more untoward actually going down. Paranoid? Yes, yes, of course I'm paranoid. That's my job. But this is a paranoia based on experience.

Surely you feel the familiar itch as well. I mean, come on: "he slipped off the couch when a pretzel that had not lost the integrity of its shape stimulated the vagal nerve which can decrease the heart rate and induce fainting caused him to fall on a table and then the floor planting a rug burn the size and color of a medium plum on his face?" And he knows he was only unconscious for four seconds because his dogs were in the same place only looking at him "funny?" All dogs look at you funny. We don't eat our throw up. I'd say you can't make stuff up like this, but obviously they have, they can and they will.

Maybe I've seen too many episodes of "The West Wing" but no presidential staff is going to make their man look ridiculous unless it's to cover up for something even more ridiculous or spooky. So I'm guessing what might the real deal have been. These are just paranoid fantasies, you understand.

- Bush got sucker punched while Indian wrestling with Russian Premier Vladimar Putin.

- In the middle of another hour long mocking taunt of his dad for how much better this war was going, his mother belted him with a cheese grater.

- Distressed by his unrequited love for Condoleeza Rice he plunged off the wagon and pulled a three quarter scale William Holden.

- While Dick Cheney was changing the batteries in the wireless remote carried in his pocket 24/7, the VP suffered a mini- stroke and one of the AAA's rolled under the couch and by the time he retrieved it, W had hit the ground like a flesh anvil.

- A slap fight broke out after his brother Jeb double dog dared him to spell Afghanistan.

- Mary Matalin was riding him like a bucking bronco and his head got caught between the chair and a ceremonial saddle blanket given to Andrew Jackson by Lafayette.

- It was actually a peanut, but that's so Jimmy Carter and this is no time to remind people of selfless duty and service so they went with pretzels because the popcorn people ponied up some cash.

- Rush Limbaugh didn't know he was in the room and quickly turned to yell at the help, bruising W with his massive ego.

- ENRON. I don't know how. But it was definitely ENRON.

Will Durst is a paranoid man with few scruples. Don't forget to see Durst next week at the DC Improv. Jan 22-27.

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