CPA's Held In Cuban Camp Under Tight U.S. Military Security
In a top-secret midnight airlift, 122 Certified Public Accountants under heavy military guard were transferred to the last remaining chain linked detainment cells in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The humiliated Arthur Andersen employees were shackled and blindfolded as they were shunted into 6x8 cages alongside the captured evil Taliban fighters.
Observers for Amnesty International condemned the government action, citing inhumane and illegal treatment of the confined accountants, such as stripping them of their pocket protectors, multicolored pens and calculators without due process. The observers complained that the imprisoned CPA's were fingerprinted in red ink, were provided merely with spreadsheets to protect them from the chilly Cuban night air and that the only food permitted them was shredded wheat and cole slaw.
Colonel Hannibal "Rocket" Missel, Marine Commandant of the Guantanamo detainment camp, denied the food allegations. "They also get a hot meal every night -- cooked books -- and for dessert they get fudged numbers and sweetened estimates," he said.
Col. Missel also dismissed allegations by the American Civil Liberties Union relating to the unequal treatment inflicted on the accountants, as opposed to Enron Corporation executives. "I can only follow orders from Washington," he said, "We are told that many of these number crunchers have Middle Eastern origins, and as far as we're concerned they are just Tabilan without beards. On the other hand, because the top Enron people are headquartered in Texas, we have have to respect their rights to conduct their businesses as they see fit. It's the American way."
The crusty and much-decorated camp commander gained fame when he led the initial wave of Marines in the 1983 invasion of Grenada, routing the formidable Granadian militia and Cuban construction workers in a matter of hours. For that action, and his subsequent brave leadership in the 1989 invasion of Panama, he awarded the Good Posture Medal by President Reagan and a Really Patriotic American Award from President Bush, the Elder.
The International Red Cross has not yet commented on the condition of the detained accountants, apparently because their American chapter is under serious scrutiny, itself, for mishandling its funds.