Office Party Survival Guide

Maintaining proper etiquette at your office holiday party is crucial in these times of economic uncertainty. Use this easy to follow guide to keep your fast track reputation intact.

Use proper business protocol. Even though music is playing, food and alcohol are being served and people are laughing, the office party is most definitely a business function. Behave accordingly. For example, while moderate drinking is acceptable, use of needle drugs is not. So shoot up in the car before entering the party. That way you should hit the door like a battering ram of teeth-grinding frivolity.

Determine proper attire. Unless it is a black tie event, an open-nipple rubber cat suit is considered de rigeur. Add a floor-length cape of baby otter skin to stand out from the crowd without diminishing your professionalism.

Acknowledge your boss. Find your boss soon after arriving. Thank him for hosting the event and take a moment to chat but don't monopolize his time. Once you see that he is engaged in conversation with someone else, take advantage of the opportunity to go have sex on his desk with the little hottie from Human Resources.

Acknowledge your co-workers. After you have finished having sex on your boss's desk, check to make sure that no sticky notes, memos or calendar pages have stuck to the hottie's sweat-slick ass. After returning to the party be sure to describe the hottie's technique and overall effort in great detail to your colleagues. This reinforces your position as a team player.

Mingle. Introduce yourself to someone you don't know. It may turn out to be someone who can help you on your next project. Not the mingling type? Then find someone who looks as miserable as you feel and ask if they want to duck into the supply closet to get high and badmouth the senior management.

Take care of your clients. If you have clients that are attending the party, remember they are your responsibility. Hover over their shoulders throughout the evening to make sure they don't steal stuff. Before they leave, escort them into a conference room and perform a full cavity search. Maintenance usually keeps a stock of rubber gloves, but be sure to put them back when finished.

Spouse appreciation. If spouses are invited, make sure they are treated as real people and not just an appendage. When introducing your spouse or date to a co-worker, include pertinent information to help break the ice. "Honey, this is Dave. He's the one I always talk about. You know, that prick from Accounting who steals my food out of the refrigerator."

Glad-handing. When being introduced to someone, make sure you look that person in the eye and greet them with a firm knuckle punch or chest bump. Don't worry about remembering their name, just refer to them as "dog" and announce to everyone within earshot that you are now totally down with this person. They'll appreciate the mad props.

Give wisely. If you are expected to bring a "Secret Santa" gift for a co-worker, determine the cost range and come prepared. The trick is giving something that is practical yet fun. Something like a sex toy. Everybody loves sex toys. Especially the kind that can be worn under clothing and that rotate when you flip a switch.

Don't be afraid to volunteer. Offer to finish off any leftover food that would otherwise go to waste, even if it means you have to vomit first, which you promised yourself you weren't going to do this time. Also, if the bar starts running low on supplies, whip up a batch of your special office egg nog: Kahlua, Seven-Up and Wite-Out.

Leave gracefully. A good guest always knows when to exit. Right after the police have subdued and cuffed you is generally a good time. Don't forget to thank your boss on the way out, and to wish him happy holidays.

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