New Year's Resolutions I'd Love to Hear

It's a tradition for me to arrogantly and self-righteously offer New Year's resolutions for assorted public figures. I was thinking of skipping it this year, but then it hit me: If I don't write this, the terrorists win!

Here then are the pledges I'm challenging others to make:

"I will spend 2002 burning in hell." -- Osama bin Laden

"We will join him." -- Mullah Omar, the Taliban, al Qaida, Saddam Hussein, the Sept. 11 hijackers, and the Anthrax Mailer

"No more heavenly nookie for suicide bombers, terrorists and mass murderers." -- the 72 virgins promised to martyrs in the Koran

"I will start every day by reading the Bill of Rights." -- John Ashcroft

"Oh, this is ridiculous, just call me whatever you want." -- Sean Combs aka "Puffy" Combs aka "Puff Daddy" aka "P. Diddy"

"You will never see me in a courtroom again. Really, I mean it this time." -- O.J. Simpson

"If reelected, I promise to have a better inaugural gala lineup than Wayne Newton, Marie Osmond, Meat Loaf and Ricky Martin." -- George W. Bush

"We will stop spewing out tripe like 'Temptation Island,' 'Chains of Love,' 'Love Cruise,' 'Big Brother,' 'Fear Factor,' 'The Mole,' et al, and pretending that they in any way, shape or form resemble 'reality."' -- TV network executives

"Good-bye burqas, hello Victoria's Secret!" -- the women of Afghanistan

"We will return the mega-millions we looted from the company and reimburse all of our shareholders and employees whose life savings we frittered away." -- the Enron executives

"I will never look that gift horse with a talk show in the mouth again." -- Oprah book club snubber Jonathan Franzen

"The next time I feel like a brewski, I will remember that you're in pretty bad shape if Charlie Sheen shows up at your intervention." -- Ben Affleck

"I will remember that 'D' is for drive, 'R' is for reverse." -- nightclub crasher Lizzie Grubman

"I will keep my shoes on next time I'm at the zoo." -- S.F. Chronicle editor and Komodo dragon snack Phil Bronstein

"I will finally come clean: I am a soulless being from the planet Blow Dry, and I know not of your earthling ways." -- Gary Condit

"It's my country, and I'll cry if I want to!" -- Dan Rather

"I will stop bellyaching about the media using my personal life to sell newspapers while posing for cheesy, beefcake photos to sell my new movie." -- Tom Cruise

"We will admit that we're only dating because our last names are homophones." -- Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz

"We will stop scaring the bejeezus out of everyone." -- Tom Ridge, Robert Mueller and Gray Davis

"We will remember that it would be helpful to have agents who can actually speak the language of our enemies." -- the heads of the CIA and the FBI

"I will remember that my job title is not supposed to be ironic." -- Environmental Protection Agency head Christy Todd Whitman

"I will keep speaking my mind." -- Bill Maher

"I will keep the fact that I'm packing heat to myself." -- Geraldo Rivera

"I will keep my virginity status to myself." -- Britney Spears

"The next time we make such a big deal in the media about getting married, we'll try to, you know, make it last longer than six months." -- Tom Green and Drew Barrymore

"I will confess that I'm really not Celestia, the reincarnation of God. I just wanted to sell a few more books." -- Anne Heche

"I will spend my free time reading the collected speeches of Lincoln, FDR and JFK." -- Sen. John Warner, who called President Bush's post-attack congressional address "maybe the greatest speech ever given by any president"

"We will resist the temptation to pull a Darva Conger and cash in on our 15 minutes by posing nude." -- hot missionary babes Heather Mercer and Danya Curry

"I will forget about drilling in ANWR and focus on renewable energy sources, instead." -- President Bush

"I will invent a secret tapping language and try to get whoever is in the cave next door to tell me where I am." -- Dick "Whereabouts Unknown" Cheney

"After a career spent shamelessly toadying to corporate interests, I will spend my retirement feeding the homeless." -- Rep. Dick Armey

"I will try to figure out what the hell my job is, exactly." -- Tom Ridge

"I will pick up the check next time Matt, Al and I have lunch." -- Katie Couric

"I will tell the CIA everything I know about al Qaida." -- John Walker

"I will tell the FBI everything I know about al Qaida." -- "20th Hijacker" Zacarias Moussaoui

"We will tell the State Department everything we know about al Qaida." -- the Saudi government

"We will continue to tell W everything he knows about al Qaida." -- Don Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and Condi Rice

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