2001 Xmas Wish List

Well, here we are, with the mother of all Christian holidays looming like a dirigible 30 feet above us at high noon on a pedestrian bridge over the minefield of social rejection. It's that weird time of the year where we try to estimate how much our friends and family care for us, translate that into a fixed financial amount and meet the challenge dead on by purchasing presents for them in a similar yet classier dollar range. Or we just sneak into Ross Dress for Less when its dark.

This confusion is symbolized by the disharmonic colors of the season: red and green. Stop and go. Blood and money. Kill or be killed. Sorry. Too much. As the spirit of Christmas himself, Mick Jagger, famously cautioned: "you can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need. Oh mercy." So too is it with WILL DURST'S 2001 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. Don't matter what you want, baby, you get what you need. Oh mercy.

- For Baby Boomers still counting on social security to be around when they retire: triple strength lifetime prescriptions of Zoloft, Prosac and Soma for forestalling the inevitable.

- For Bill Clinton: A Senatorial appointment as ambassador to "Temptation Island."

- For George O'Leary: A gift certificate to an online resume service in some country where no Irish people live. Ghana.

- For John Phillip Walker Lindh: A book deal rich enough to hire a lawyer with enough juice to get his case moved to San Francisco District Attorney's Terrence Hallinan's jurisdiction.

- For the Komodo Dragon that bit San Francisco Chronicle editor, Phil Bronstein: The Congressional Medal of Honor and tetanus shots.

- For Nate Newton: A bong the size of Montana.

- For George W. Bush: A little wooden plaque for his Oval Office desk that reads: "The XFL Started Out Strong Too."

- For Geraldo Rivera: An opportunity to fire his gun. Preferably near or at Bill O'Reilly.

- For Donald Rumsfeld: Another 12 months just like the previous 12. Without all the collateral damage.

- For Osama bin Laden: A three week smuggling excursion leading to an entry level position as night clerk at a 7- 11 in Tuscon and he has to work in drag.

- For Rush Limbaugh's sound engineer: Some sort of medication that will totally squelch the urge to giggle and a bong the size of Montana.

- For the cast of Survivor III: Blessed, well deserved anonymity.

- For Gwenyth Paltrow: A happy medium between her two "Shallow Hal" roles.

- For Gary Condit: Eleven more months of war. At least until the next election.

- For the Bush twins: Fourteen more months of war. At least until they turn 21.

- For the Afghanistanis: The discovery of vast underground pools of oil.

- For Wynona Ryder: A cell phone with Robert Downey, Jr.'s lawyer on all the speed dial positions.

- For Al Gore: The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine.

- For Britney Spears: Another 15 minutes and a cardigan sweater donated by Bob Dole.

- For Dick Gephardt: Eyebrows. A couple of pieces of stray yarn, a no. 4 pencil, something!

- For Joe Liebermann: An electrical implant that emits a charge whenever the word "president" comes up in conversation.

Will Durst wishes you and yours a happy merry.

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