A Crank Gives Thanks

I give thanks that every Monday is garbage day, when I get to go through the refrigerator and sniff all the uneaten, moldy, rotting leftovers before I throw them out.

I am grateful to find my missing hammer laying out in the corner of the backyard when I run it over with my lawnmower.

I am thrilled with the new Internet technology that allows for long lost friends to track me down and remind me that I still owe them $50 (plus interest) from college.

Every time I grab a hot frying pan without a potholder, I am grateful for that ornamental aloe cactus that Mom gave me.

I am so thankful that we finally figured out how to open the window in our bathroom, and so is everyone else in my family, particularly after I've just used the toilet.

I am thankful for our civil liberties, like freedom of speech, and freedom from unreasonable search and seizure, because if civil liberties were outlawed, only outlaws would have civil liberties.

I am grateful for wine, particularly the really cheap stuff that friends who don't know anything about wine bring when they come for dinner, because someday when all my good bottles of wine are gone, and I'm really desperate, a few bottles of that crappy wine will still be left down in the cellar to tide me over.

I give thanks for the ancient oak tree in the yard, and it's bumper crop of acorns which fall so far that they dent the roof of my car, and occasionally my head.

I am grateful for the neighbors' dogs which bark hysterically every time I walk by, protecting their owners' properties from strangers like me who hate hysterically barking dogs.

I give thanks for the telemarketers that regularly interrupt our family dinners, and make the children forget what they were arguing with each other about.

I am grateful to my hardworking neighbors, who make it their highest priority to wake me up by 8 a.m. Saturday mornings by mowing or blowing their yards, which forces me to go out to a park, where I can appreciate the peace and quiet of Saturday mornings.

I am grateful to Ben & Jerry's for creating Cherry Garcia Ice Cream, which has enabled me to buy an entirely new wardrobe of comfortable stretch pants.

I am thankful to Bill Gates for creating software with so many glitches and crashes, that I am never tempted to use the computer at home, as if it were actually something fun to do with my spare time.

I am grateful whenever I am up shit creek without a paddle, that at least I still have a canoe.

I am thankful whenever I staple my fingers that I decided not to buy the industrial sized stapler.

I give thanks for the earth, which is all over our new carpets since my son invited his soccer team in for a drink, after they practiced in the mud.

I give thanks for the rain, because my boss would never suspect I was silly enough to sneak out of work early to go golfing in a downpour like this.

I give thanks for the sun, because how else is my car ever going to dry out after I forget to close the sunroof.

I give thanks for all the annoying interruptions, embarrassments, stumbling blocks, blind alleys, ill winds, red herrings, dead weights, wet blankets, clogged pipes, overloaded circuits, monkey wrenches, foul-ups, cross-ups, screw-ups, growing pains, hornets nests, kettles of fish, cans of worms, messes, stews, pickles, and jams that I come across on a daily basis. All these problems just reassure me that the miracle of life goes on.

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Happy Holidays!