The Official Mottos of Post 9-11 TV

Hey guys, guess what? We're coming back. You can feel it. The American spirit is slowly climbing out of the rubble of confusion and paranoia and the streets are getting back to normal.

People are flipping each other off again. Road rage is back. The not-so-secret agendas of politicians have reappeared. Restaurant hostesses have reverted to their old rude selves. Its a beautiful thing.

Part of the healing is being facilitated by wrapping our wounds in red white and blue Band-Aids, which are being applied with the light grace of front line field tourniquets. You can't find a flag anymore, although some Pakistanis seem to have such a surfeit of them, they got to burn some just to keep warm. Where the hell are they getting their American flags? Probably same place we are, Taiwan.

At ballparks, the National Anthem is now a production piece and "God Bless America" is sung twice a game. Now when it comes to the National Anthem, I don't care how many trills or warbles you fill it with, just hit the high notes on "the land of the free." Everything else is just frosting sweetheart.

Meanwhile, television has responded to the aftermath with industrial strength exponential factor four patriotism, to the point of altering their logos. NBC's bug is now a red white and blue peacock; ABC has its blue circled logo in the bottom right with red and white stripes shooting off screen, and CBS has a motto: America on Alert.

But not all of the cable stations have official mottos. That's why I'm here. To help.

CNN: When Disaster Strikes, America Trusts.

BET: Ain't This Some Shit?

USA Network: Who's Got the Best Name? That's Right. We Do.

TBS: Is, As and Always Will be: Home of the Braves.

QVC: Right About Now, a Real American Would Start Shopping.

C-SPAN: Reality TV Since Before It Was Cool.

ESPN: Well, Thank God That's Over.

Nickelodeon: No Nightmares. Ever.

BBC America: Welcome to the Club. How's It Feel?

The Disney Channel: Why? Because They Hate Us.

TV Land: All Gomer Pyle All the Time.

Independent Film Channel: Even More Depressing Crap.

Food Channel: Hey, You Still Got to Eat.

Nostalgia Channel: Remember the Good Ol' Days? Like Labor Day.

Fox News: What Did We Tell You? No, Come Back Here. What Did We Say?

Golf Channel: Did Something Happen?

Sci Fi Channel: Could've Been Worse. Could've Been Aliens.

Home & Garden Television: Suddenly, Growing Your Own Food Doesn't Sound So Stupid.

Lifetime: Moms from Connecticut in Jeopardy During Wartime.

PBS: Commie Pinko Yellow Rat Bastards No More.

TNN: Where the Dukes of Hazard Call Home.

History Channel: Let's Review the Whole Hitler Thing Once More, Shall We?

AMC: Where the Duke Calls Home.

The Therapy Channel: When Bad Things Happen to Everybody.

Comedy Central: Irony's Graveyard.

Spice Channel: Don't Let Your Flagpole Fly Halfmast Anymore.

Will Durst is in the process of developing a new career, and is accepting suggestions.


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