A Pocket Guide to Understanding Republicans

By now George W. Bush's malapropisms and mispronunciations are well known, even to the most news-phobic Japanian. But the problem goes much further than our Commander-in-Chief. Indeed, sometimes the entire Republican Party seems to have succumbed to the inability to speak properly.

For clarity's sake, I offer the following pronunciation guide to the Bush administration. Whenever the president, vice president, Senate minority leader, White House spokesperson, or other high-ranking Republican utters one of the following phrases, merely substitute the accompanying phonetic transcriptions to discover what's really being said.

My fellow Americans
1. MY FEL-lo ri-PUB-li-kins

The American people
1. thee uh-MAIR-uh-kin puh-TRO-lee-um INS-ti-toot
2. thee uh-MAIR-uh-kin LEEG
3. CHAR-uhl-tuhn HES-tun

The scientific community
1. thee uh-MAIR-uh-kin puh-TRO-lee-um INS-ti-toot

The Judeo-Christian Tradition
1. thuh KRIS-chun truh-DI-shun

The Christian Tradition
1. thuh fun-duh-MEN-tuh-list truh-DI-shun

The Almighty
1. JEE-zuhs
2. AL-uhn GREEN-span

Compassionate Conservatism
1. kuhn-SIR-vuh-ti-zuhm

Energy Policy
1. uh-MAIR-uh-kin puh-TRO-lee-um INS-ti-toot POL-uhs-ee

Faith-based Initiatives
1. KRIS-chun BASTE in-ISH-uh-tivs

Religious Freedom

Free Speech
1. un-LIM-uh-tid KAM-pain kon-tri-BYOO-shuns

1. IN-tall-uh-rinse

Family Values
1. SELLF in-DULL-ginse
2. PUB-lik in-TOCKS-uh-kay-shun
3. an-tee-in-tuh-LEK-choo-uhl-izm

Abstinence-based Education
1. IG-noh-rinse BASTE ED-you-kay-shun

1. PART-uh-zin-ship

Class Warfare
1. MIN-uh-muhm WAYG IN-krees

1. HELLTH-kayr ruh-FORM

1. KRIT-uh-si-zuhm

Industry Experience
1. CON-flikt uhv IN-trist

1. KATH-rin HAIR-is
3. thuh suh-PREEM KORT

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