What Bush's IRS Letter Meant to Say

Dear Taxpayer:

We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and our Beloved and Respected Comrade Leader President George W. Remedial Bush signed into law the Economic Growth and Tax Reconciliation For a Tiny Handful Of People Who Have Never Had to Fill An Ice Tray Without Assistance In Their Lives Act of 2001, which provides long-term relief for all Americans rich enough to retain high-end certified public accountants who can find the loopholes in the tax code designed to mitigate any responsibility they might theoretically have to forfeit even a tiny piece of their obscene wealth to pay for the infrastructure and corporate welfare that made their fortunes possible.

Oh, yeah, and we'll throw you a chicken bone. Don't choke on it.

The new tax law provides immediate tax relief and a boost in Dubya's poll numbers in 2001, but the real payoff comes when the top 1 percent of Americans receive checks directly from you on Tax Day for years to come. Their names and the addresses of their trust fund accounts will be mailed to you separately. Electronic payment options are available, as is phone payment at 1-877- DESTITUTE. Or, you can visit our web site: www.irs.us.govsiphonmiddleclass

As part of the immediate tax relief, you will be receiving a check in the amount of $0.16 (Tajikistan dollars) during the week of 9/01/2644. Endorsing the check will automatically change your long distance carrier to Time-Warner-AOL.

Your amount is based on information you submitted on your 2000 federal tax return and is just the first installment of the long-term tax relief provided by the new law. We realize you should be getting a lot more, but we'd rather give it to the President's supporters. And there's nothing you can do about it. Nyah, nyah.

From here on out, you won't get jack-shit, as the bulk of Beloved and Respected Comrade Leader President George W. Remedial Bush's plan will benefit the people who let him into their country clubs and used a tiny portion of their monthly budget for vintage wines to put him in office. The amount of your check could be reduced by any outstanding federal debt you owe, such as past due child support or federal or state income taxes or whatever else we feel like giving the rich instead. You will not be required to report the amount as taxable income on your federal tax return.

On the reverse side of this letter is information on how your pitiful little bribe was calculated. Essentially, we figure that if the wealthy plutocrats in Congress can be bought off by transnational corporations for campaign contributions of, say, $100,000, or $10,000, or $1,000, or a nice long tummy rub, well, your vote can be had for far, far less.

You need to take no additional steps. In fact, we rather prefer that you didn't.

Please keep a copy of this notice next to your Voters' Pamphlet.

With bemused contempt,

The Internal Revenue Service
"We Don't Make The Laws, We Just Forcibly Extract Your Life's Savings When They Tell Us To"

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