How China Won the Olympics

Okay, I'll be honest, I have no idea what the hell happened. Maybe the Chinese government detained members of the International Olympic Committee's families in super secret locations and piped in a steady diet of John Tesh ballads, agreeing only to divulge their whereabouts after they were awarded the 2008 Summer Olympics. Or maybe they commissioned a big fat crocodile tear video hammering home some exponential factor Susan Sarandon guilt trip about their poor idiot martyred fighter pilot who wandered into our bomber over Hainman Island earlier this year.

What probably went down is NBC realized that unless the chosen site for 2008 was on the other side of the planet from New York City, they wouldn't be able to utilize their expensively copywritten phrase: "Yesterday's Olympics Tomorrow."

This pick really proves that the Olympiad powers don't care what security forces do on the outside of the arenas as long as their money is safe on the inside. Some of the so-called rationalization that went into this decision seems as confused as Jim Jeffords at a Republican leadership conference. "We have to encourage them for the great progress they've shown in the area of human rights." And how clever of Communist Part to hide all those examples of this fantastic progress up till now with only vague promises to unveil it in seven years in time for the celebration. Human rights, schmuman rights.

You got to admit though, this does provide a great opportunity for the Communist Chinese to turn world opinion around by welcoming the world's media and athletes to experience the finest, most secure monitored concrete bunker tunnels in existence. And those are the dorms. Wonder if the official logo will be the five rings with tank tread imprints across them?

And of course, the nominations for mascot are already being proffered. Here are mine.

- Blim Blim: the re-educated Panda.

- Cagey: a portable six sided titanium barred cell.

- Clinky: the happy-go-lucky dancing handcuffs.

- Buzzy: the red bullet of righteousness.

And since it is a tradition that each host country gets to include their own event one can imagine what the Chinese government will decide to shoot for. I mean choose.

- Tibetan underwater breath holding competition.

- Jiang Zemin look alike contest with the loser hung on the Great Wall.

- Tiananmen Square tank stare down.

- Synchronized Falun Gong free range target shoot.

- The land mine belly crawl sprint.

- Imported rice relay.

- Combined pole vault and sharpshooting competition.

- Firing squad precision. (Demonstration sport)

- Razor wire climb.

- Triple jump into Kowloon Bay.

- Russian made discount grenade toss.

Of course, it could set a standard for future athletic events. After all, if liberals ran the Olympics, the results of the 100 meter time trials would be weighed equally between how fast you run the race and a 20-page paper exploring the theme of man's continuing inhumanity to the slow. Or as the liberals say, the "rapidly challenged."

Will Durst has no favorite event, unless you count the 12 ounce curl.


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