Dubya's First Report Card

Normal people with actual lives may call summer "vacation time," but in Washington D.C. its known as "recess." And since George W. Bush started Term One way back in January, its high time to hand the 43rd President his first semester freshman report card. No telling whether Laura, Dick, Barbara, Colin or George the Elder gets to sign it.

GEOGRAPHY / C minus / Successful trip abroad but confused his handlers when he claimed Europe needed more countries.

SOCIAL STUDIES / C / Socially superior but studiously inferior.

MATHEMATICS / Incomplete / $1.6 trillion tax cut may actually cost much much more. Fuzzy math cited. Further review by Professor Greenspan expected.

SCIENCE / F / Refuses to review most recent texts. Stubbornly adhering to outdated lessons.

SEMANTICS / B / Still getting mileage out of saying one thing and doing another.

CREATIVE WRITING / A minus / Crafted some beauties over the past five months, especially estate tax repeal which will last for exactly one year, making 2010 a very dangerous year to be a millionaire on life support.

HOME STUDIES / D / Avoided failing grade owing to fact twins have not been caught drinking with Teddy Kennedy. Yet.

HISTORY / C / Student suspected to have confused Ancient History with Modern History.

BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION / A plus / Has administered to business like a sap sucking shepherd to a flock of fat sheep. Fat sheep with awfully deep pockets.

THEATER / B minus / Performance of "Compassionate Conservative" role exemplary but needs to exhibit more range. Nice makeup.

PENMANSHIP / A / Signs his name well and often.

ATTITUDE / S / Works well with others. Little Jimmy Jeffords excepted. $300 per person buyoff didn't hurt.

INITIATIVE / U / Needs improvement.

APPEARANCE / S / Good grooming. Breeding will out.

PUNCTUALITY / S / Serious upgrade from previous White House tenant.

Will Durst came home with a report card like this one spring and was forced to attend summer school.

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