DURST: Bush Does Europe
George W. Bush is on his way to Europe and we're going to need all the help he can get. Fortunately, some of the best Republican minds in America have prepared briefing books the size of small Buicks to keep him from committing some incredible gaffe like ordering an airstrike on Margaret Thatcher because she got old. Fortunately, I am wired into the inner sanctums of DC like a Russian Pepsi distributor who has forged intimate relationships with various custodial engineers of top administration offices. And so I am pleased to leak a sneaked peek at the briefing book for George W Bush's European trip. Please remember this is Confidential Material. For Your Eyes Only. If it should somehow fall into the wrong hands, all hell could break loose. Then again, maybe not.
EUROPE: PROJECT SCREW 'EM
CONDENSED VERSION IN 20 EASY LESSONS.
1. Europe is not a country but rather a bunch of little countries jumbled together with sketchy borders they're always getting in fights over. (See pages on WWI and WWII)
2. Next year, a lot of the countries in Europe are going to get together on their own currency called the Euro but don't worry, it'll only be worth about 80 cents.
3. Not all European countries like each other. (See #1)
4. If Europe had a capital it would be Germany. (See #1)
5. The rest of Europe knows this and pretends its okay, but they're really nervous about it.
6. Most Europeans are closet Communists.
7. The ones that aren't closet Communists are total bleeding heart liberals who spend most of their time whining about our capital punishment policy when they're not harboring International Terrorists.
8. They call it football, but they mean soccer.
9. Most Europeans smoke like chimneys, drink really really strong coffee, bathe once a month whether they need to or not and still act like the environmental martyrs of the world.
10. Europeans liked Bill Clinton because he was amoral.
11. Europeans dislike George W Bush because he is determined to bring dignity back to the White House.
12. If a European woman shaves her legs or armpits she is restrained in a French cave for three months and forced to grow cheese.
13. The good news: Europeans pay about twice as much for gas as we do and they don't care.
14. The bad news: they have this weird thing about clean air and water.
15. Your typical European will waste two and a half hours eating lunch if not more.
16. The whole month of August is devoted to hibernating. Nobody knows where they go.
17. The English are like Europeans only different.
18. Europeans would rather pay taxes than hunt pheasant.
19. Stubbornly, the Europeans refuse to accept we have their best interests at heart and keep wanting to have their say in things.
20. Most European leaders don't cotton to nicknames too well. You might want to wait awhile before calling Jacques Chirac, "Wacky Jacky," and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar, "Hoser or Mary."
Will Durst will consider the trip a huge success as long as Dubyah doesn't throw up on anybody's lap.