XFL Meets PGA

This summer, forget everything you thought you knew about golf.

PGA Announcer: (whispering) We’re back at the fourteenth hole, where Tiger Woods has this short putt for birdie, and to regain a share of the lead. It is slightly uphill and should break gently to the right. He’s lining it up... (yells) Oh my God! Out of nowhere Davis Love III levels Tiger with a flying drop kick! Woods is stunned. Love tries to finish him with an atomic knee drop but Woods rolls clear. Tiger scrambles to his feet and tries to set himself for the putt, it’s about a three footer... What’s this? Tiger’s own caddie comes running in from the fringe and cracks him across the skull with a seven iron! Tiger is face down on the green and he appears to be convulsing. Can you believe what you’re seeing, Jesse "The Body" Ventura?

Body: I’m in shock! That’s not nearly enough club for a swing like that. If he would have used a driver and rotated his hips more, there would be skull fragments and pieces of brain flying around like melon chunks at a Gallagher show. Just grip it and rip it, you pansy. Hey, speaking of unbelievable, check out the rack on that blonde cheerleader on the end. Those titties rock! Now that states are going around naming official snacks, Utah can pound Jell-O up it’s whitebread ass, I declare those jiggle-babies as Minnesota’s state snack. Hoo-haw! As governor, I can totally do that you know.

PGA Announcer: I’ve never witnessed this kind of carnage on the links before. I think I may become ill.

Body: And we owe it all to the vision and foresight of one man: Vince McMahon. He’s done for the PGA what he did for the NFL. He got rid of the boring crap and just serves up the juicy parts. This is what the fans want, plenty of action and gore and cleavage, you betcha.

PGA Announcer: But I’m confused. Why would Tiger’s own caddie turn on him like that? It seems devilishly unsporting.

Body: That’s not Tiger’s caddie. It’s Tiger’s arch nemesis, "The Hindu Hitman," Vijay Singh.

Vijay: (to the cheering crowd) Yes, yes. Can you smell please what it is that Vijay Singh is cooking?

Body: Welcome to the XGA, Tiger! This is golf in the extreme! It’s old fashioned smashmouth golf with plenty of throat ripping, eye gouging action just like I remember from the days when Arnold Palmer and Ben Hogan were having at each other.

PGA Announcer: Let’s go to the twelfth, where Phil Mickelson delivers a devastating elbow smash to Ernie Els, causing Ernie’s tee shot to bounce into the parking lot.

Body: Sonofabitch better not hit my governor’s limo. I just had it detailed. Mickelson tries a fallaway slam but Els scissors his legs out from under him. Here we go now. Els slaps his patented move on Mickelson: the ball scrubber! That’s gonna be all she wrote. There’s no way out of this. It’ll sound like he’s been sucking helium when he talks for the next month and chances are he’ll never reproduce again.

PGA Announcer: So the more long lasting the damage inflicted, the greater the thrill. Interesting. We’ll be back at the Bo-Bo Brazil Sleeper Hold Invitational right after this important message.

McMahon: Hello, I’m Vince McMahon. If you’re like me, you’re sick and tired of golf being played by some pampered candy-ass in ugly pants who needs total silence just to pick his nose. That’s why I created the XGA. It’s got something for everyone; exploding putters, quicksand in the bunkers, pungi sticks and bouncing bettys in the rough and a drunked-up John Daly careening down the fairway in a golf cart with a loaded .45 in his lap. Plus, no holds barred physical contact between golfers. So everybody’s got a crack at the belt. Or the cup, or the green jacket or whatever they win at these things. Check out the XGA! It’s hardcore and stone cold! And you better believe that none of these players replace their divots.

Body: The XGA! It breaks par while kicking ass!

McMahon: And be sure to watch this fall, when I bring on my newest league, the XBA. It’s bowling to the extreme! Really hot looking women in wet T-shirts bowling with human heads. Now that’s entertainment.

#story_page_post_article

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal
{{ post.roar_specific_data.api_data.analytics }}