Make the Inaugural Pie Higher: Humor

Based on previous speeches, interviews, and debates, I predict that George W. Bush's inaugural address will be something like this:

(All items in quotation marks are direct quotes)

My fellow Americans,

It has been a long, difficult campaign, but "I think we agree, the past is over." Now it is time for America to become "a hopefuller country" because I can promise you that "the future will be better tomorrow."

Education will be the top priority of my administration. "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." We can accomplish this through teachers, because "quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." We must also recognize "the importance of the bondage between a mother and child." We need to focus our attention on education, because "rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

We all realize the importance of a strong national defense, because "there is madmen in the world, and there are terror." But we cannot allow these rogue elements to "bully ourselves" and "hold our nation hostile," so we must be "ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

Admittedly, "I do need someone to tell me where Kosovo is," but when it comes to foreign policy, I can "verify that I think I'll be more effective." "I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy," which means that I..."uh, I support winning" in all areas. And I will maintain our "firm commitment to Europe" because "we are a part of Europe."

In the next four years, small business "will be in the forethought of our thinking." We will listen to "the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs." I have listened, and "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family," but I will help because "I understand small business growth. I was one." Under my administration, we want "anybody who can find work to be able to find work."

In recent weeks, people have been critical of my speaking abilities. But I feel that "public speaking is very easy," and "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." These critics have simply "misunderestimated" me. I would like to "ask the questioners the question they've been questioning."

So, my fellow Americans, as we enter the new millennium, we must learn "to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." With that, we can accomplish anything. It may even be "time for the human race to enter the solar system."

I hope you can trust me, because "I've got a record...that is compassionated," and "I have made good judgments in the future." So join me, and we can truly "make the pie higher."

All quotes from:

John Wagner, 17, is a high school senior from San Antonio, Texas, and is terribly embarassed to be from the same state as George W. Bush. His column appears regularly at


Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal
{{ }}