DURST: 2001 Predictions

For a while there, it seemed like it was going to go on forever, but right on schedule, at the end of December, the year 2000 mercifully sounded its sorrowful swan song. And I got a funny feeling if you tracked down the source of the noise you'd find it emanating from a gravity enhanced female residing in Florida. Thank you lord.

2000 was to annums what Alexander Haig is to panty hose. What Truman Capote had in common with mule skinning. Henry VIII to marriage counseling. The rare arced vector connecting Pamela Anderson and advanced particle physics. What Calista Flockhart is to $3.99 all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets at Denny's. As stainless steel knitting needles are to orange plaid Sans-A-Belt pants.

Of course, now that we're on the paisley verge of the greying pony tail that is the Age of Aquarius, people are going to stop acting in their own self interests and start championing the common good. Yeah, right, and the next big thing is a chain of strip mall schools teaching poodles to type braille.

Assuming the worst, that the world stays the same (meaning the rich get richer and the good guys are forced to sit crosslegged on park benches pulling bright green splinters out of their butts) here's a list of resolutions which probably won't but should be made in the 1st year of the third millennium. In 2001:

* Alan Greenspan assures Business Week the only time in the next year he will use the words "irrational exuberance" is while attending Metallica concerts.

* Amazon.com vows to get out of the retail business entirely and concentrate on forcing its stock back up to Berkshire Hathaway levels.

* The Airline Industry makes every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: the second carry on bag.

* The 107th Congress resolves to emulate the 105th and the 106th Congresses by doing absolutely nothing. And proves to be fabulously successful at it.

* John Ashcroft vows to open his Congressional confirmation hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?"

* President-Elect Bush pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involves raising the retirement age to 90.

* George W further attests he will bow to Dad's pressure by having the hole in his butt enlarged to accommodate Dick Cheney's hand.

* Dick Cheney vows we will never see his lips move.

* The Long Distance Giants affirm their commitment to continue merging and merging and merging until they evolve into a single entity which they will rename: Ma Bell.

* Regis Philbin actually makes an effort to keep his 24 hour on call make up staff down to a manageable 50.

* PBS vows not to do anything to piss the new Congress off and turns itself into the 24 hour Antiques Roadshow Network.

* Al Gore pledges to spend more time playing touch football and less time wonking policy. He also plans to take lessons on how to run like a boy.

* Congress resolves not to pass Campaign finance reform although they do promise to talk about it until we want to heave something very heavy into our picture tube.

* The Banking Industry promises to terminate its merging frenzy when the public has two whole banks to choose from.

* Kathie Lee Gifford reassures the public that 7, 9, and 11 are sizes in her clothing line and not the ages of the seamstresses.

* Yasser Arafat vows to get more festive.

* Barbara Bush swears she will do all she can to avoid snickering every time she sees Hillary Clinton.

* Bill Clinton swears he will do all he can to avoid snickering every time he sees Al Gore.

* Donald Rumsfeld affirms he will avoid at all costs uttering the phrase "The way Gerry and I used to do it."

Will Durst vows he will devote most of his energy to become less cynical. There. Oh well. At least he tried.


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