Y2K: Based on a True Story

It all started with a little boy named Elian. When Cuba didn't blow up on New Year's Day, and Castro's cigar lighter was certified Y2K compliant, Elian decided it was time to go and see if America had blown up. Something must have blown up. Such was the hope in the little pyro boy's heart.

Later that same week, Darva Conger, the "I Married a Millionaire" media princess, in her attempt to become the lowest common dominator, was posing nude on a deserted beach near Miami when the little boy floated up. "Oh my gosh, what a cutie!!" and she picked him up and hugged him, causing his little Cuban cheeks to turn pink. Elian was quoted as saying, "I think I'll stay here awhile."

Half dazed out of his mind on crystal meth and margaritas, CBS producer Mark Burnett happened to be toking with the camera crew when he noticed the small imp emerge from the waves behind Darva's naked silhouette. It was then that a fantastic idea, a career-saver, grabbed him. "Bring back 'Circus of the Stars'. No, no," he thought, "let's spice it up. What if the circus was on the beach with half-clad women and midgets? I don't have enough money for real celebrities or real midgets, so let's just get regular folks and use a portion of the salaries for prize money!" Next thing you know, the television show "Survivor" was hatched.

16 strangers were chosen from around the world: eight men who had to have some of the cutes of Elian Gonzalez. The other half were women, almost all of which had to look somewhat good in a bikini. No one named Janet or Reno was allowed to try out.

Suddenly America had a new evil ruler. Dr. Evil was out, Mark Burnett was in. All America flocked to their television sets every week to wonder would Richard get booted? Would Richard get booted? This behavior was predicated by the flashing of Richard's milky, hairy ass and thighs on the set every week. An unexpected result of this was hypnosis and that Firestone tires on Ford SUV's began to suddenly explode all over the country due to the fact that rubber breaks down under extreme flashes of ultra-white light. The national traffic safety board began an investigation.

Survivor went on to overshadow the first week of a little show on NBC called the "Summer Olympics." Mixed reactions from the public result: "What's this, they're doing pole vault now on 'Survivor'? Where's Richard? Did he get booted?"

In an attempt to save the integrity of amateur sports, Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight is ordered by Janet Reno to throw a chair at Elian Gonzalez. Coach Knight is fired immediately for missing.

Janet Reno makes a call to her most trusted advisor ... that's right, the evil Mark Burnett. "I must get back at these evil Floridians. Damn them, damn them."

"Should I have Richard run naked through South Beach?" asked Mr. Burnett.

"No, no. Let's fire a warning shot. Let's light Montana on fire," said Janet.

Within a week the entire state of Montana was on fire, the worst natural disaster to happen to a state beginning with the letter M in centuries. Confused Boy Scouts scurried around like ants under a magnifying glass and decided to ban gays in order to stop the fire. This plan hopelessly failed and over 5,000 Boy Scouts in Montana spontaneously combusted. Floridians didn't even notice.

"Now what, Mrs. Genius?" Burnett asked Reno.

"Well, let's just mess up the Presidential election. Let's send Elian home."

"Ok..."

Storm trooper extras on vacation between shootings of the new Star Wars movies were hired to storm the Gonzalez house and seize Elian. Somehow the car sat parked outside the house for more than thirty seconds in Little Havana without the hubcaps being stolen.

Without anything to think about, Floridians ran around in a daze until Election Day, November 7th. At the polls, confused masses who thought they were putting pins into a voodoo doll of Janet Reno accidentally voted for Ricky Martin.

As estimated the Presidential election came to an unprecedented tie, and Florida's 25 electoral votes and the 25 members of the West Palm Beach Bocce-ball club held America's future in a stalemate.

After all legal attempts failed, Vice President Al Gore, in a last ditch effort to be in The First Family somewhere, transformed himself into Barbara Bush and proposed marriage to Texas Governor George W. Bush Jr., using the morphing feature programmed in his circuitry by CBS scientists. The governor, who didn't think to question marrying his own mother, does so and the election is finally decided. Vice President Al Gore became the first "male" first lady in history.

Appalled, Boy Scouts from around the country scorch Montana again by shining their Swiss Army magnifying glasses at Richard Hatch's thighs.

Scott Poole is the author of THE CHEAP SEATS and just recently learned that the Bush/Gore love child will be named Chad.

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