Decision 2000: Goobers or Whoppers?

It is the single most important decision you’ll make this year. So much is riding on your choice. The pressure threatens to overwhelm you.

You’ve been thinking about it for months, maybe you’re leaning in one direction or the other, but are still plagued by doubts. You’ve been inundated with information, passionately discussed the choices with friends and family, but ultimately it is a decision you have to make alone.

Snickers or Kit-Kats? Baby Ruths or NutRageous? Dum Dums or Twix? What exactly should you hand out to trick or treaters come Halloween night?

This is a decision which must not be taken lightly. Buying Halloween candy is not just a simple holiday ritual, it is a Carlos Castaneda-like journey of self-discovery. It is the one true chance to find out who you really are, to get in touch with your inner awareness. If eyes are the windows to the soul, candy preference is the doggy door.

Candy holds a magical and lifelong sway over us. Our first experience with altered reality was the sugar buzz. That is a path that we all ventured down at some point. We knew then candy was a spiritual guide, a key to enlightenment. What we do with that knowledge now that we’ve grown up, offers telling insight into our personality, even defines where we fit into the grand cosmic plan.

When buying Halloween candy, is your decision rooted in childhood memory or do you just buy whatever’s on sale? Are you trying to raise the consciousness of trick or treaters with your selection of sugary confections, or do you buy what you think they would like? Do you fall for nougaty fads? Have you ever handed out leftover Easter candy? What’s your feelings about candy corn? How can you like that stuff when you know chocolate totally kicks candy corn’s little yellow ass?

Check out the categories below to gain a better understanding of yourself and others close to you.

Chocolate-intensive treats: Chunky, Hershey Bar, Dove, Mr. Goodbar, Nestle Crunch, Tootsie Roll (if Midgees, distributing at least a handful), etc.

You are warm and witty, and almost universally loved. You are on the Pope’s speed-dial. Martha Stewart frequently asks you for advice on getting things done. If Frank Sinatra were still alive he’d have people beaten up for you. You are a dynamic presence, much sought after for parties and social gatherings. Genius doesn’t even begin to describe your ferocious intellect. Your fashion sense is impeccable. You move with a feline grace. On eBay your underwear commands staggering sums, but from admirers and fan club members, not perverts. Your farts smell like lilac blossoms.

Chocolatly treats but with emphasis on secondary ingredients: Kit Kat, Reese’s, Mounds, Snickers, Butterfinger, Milky Way, etc.

You care about people and are popular with your co-workers. You are loyal, almost stalker-like, with your affections. You have a generous spirit but with a bit of a cruel streak; you give change to panhandlers but make them dance a little jig to earn it. You once faked your own death for the insurance money. ‘80’s girl group, The Bangles, used to rock your world.

Non-chocolate treats: Payday, Starburst, Smarties, Bonomo Turkish Taffy, Kraft caramels, Dots, Boston Baked Beans, jaw breakers, lollipops, wax lips, etc.

You are petty and small-minded. Your co-workers suspect you of stealing paper clips and they’re right. What is it with you and paper clips? You collect Wink Martindale memorabilia and dream of someday meeting him and wonder if you’ll flip out when you do or act all cool. Underneath your gruff exterior, you have a sensitive side. You cry often, especially when having your legs broken by loan sharks for delinquent payments. In other countries you would be hunted for your blubber filled hump.

Candy corn: Also, pumpkins, black cats and witch hats made from the same stuff as candy corn.

You love banjo music and are sexually aroused by the smell of Bounce dryer sheets. You were almost the first member of your family to graduate from college. Sure, it was clown college but it still would have been quite an achievement. Unfortunately, you flunked your balloon twisting final when your dachshund was unrecognizable. You’re clumsy and frightening in bed but continue to have sex because so many people pity you.

Healthy alternative treats: Toothbrushes, apples, religious bookmarks, gift certificates to bait shops, pennies, etc.

Half your family despises you, the other half are the ones you’re dating. You lack opposable thumbs. You have appeared on the show "Cops" so many times, you are listed as Executive Producer. For formal occasions, you wear a necklace of human ears. The highlight of your job history was as a prison snitch. Your hobbies include staring at stuff, poking stuff with a stick and trying to blow spit rings. It burns when you pee. You like picking at scabs; mostly your own but sometimes other people’s.

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