DURST: Pets.com Sues Conan

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

* A St. Petersburg, Florida, Post Office Supervisor was ordered to cut 3/4 of her one inch fingernails but instead went on medical leave claiming the mandated manicure was causing her stress. Of course this is probably just standard operating civil service procedure.

* Wonder how much therapy little Elian is going to require after he grows up and realizes he was forced out of the closet at gunpoint? One weird thing to think about is if Janet Reno had been in charge of the Iran hostage rescue effort, Jimmy Carter might have served two terms.

* Bill Gates dropped a notch in the world's richest dude contest after Microsoft's stock plummeted due to his problems with the Justice Department. Poor baby, forced to scrape by on a mere sixty eight billion dollars. Anybody feel like holding a fundraiser? That's what I thought. He'll be crushed.

* Darva Conger has agreed to pose nude for Playboy for an undisclosed fee suspected to be way over a million dollars. I imagine the spread will be called "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire Then Divorce The Dude Claiming He's A Hound And A Lech Then Become A Millionaire On Her Own By Appealing To The Same Base Instincts On A Worldwide Basis."

* Republicans recently set a record for a political fund raiser when they pulled in $21.3 million in D.C.. Seems as if that whole campaign reform deal has been set on the back burner until the front runner can pad his way to the top, but then, you watch, real reform with results will rule the day. Yeah, right, and bananas make good electrical conduits.

* Pets.com sued "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" for defaming the company's sock puppet. Proving once again that corporations without senses of humor should not be allowed to feature comedic ad campaigns.

Will Durst is not kidding.

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