You Can Never Have Too Much Olympics

It's a well documented fact that you can never have too much Olympics. Unlike O.J., the Internet and John "Hey, I'm a musician, damn it! Not just another guy trying to get into Mary Hart's panties" Tesh, we never tire of hearing about the 1996 Summer Olympics. After all, it's not every day you get to see someone running through the streets carrying a torch. Unless, of course, you live near a southern black church.Yes, Olympic fever is in the air. This, along with pollen, mold and traffic helicopters that beam freeze-frame images ("Look Gene! The cars look like tiny little toys down there!") are the reason allergy season has been so bad this year. Plus, of course, Rosie O'Donnell's new talk show which made us all break out in hives.It's impossible not to notice the Olympics. TV stations are running countdowns on the nightly news ("Only fourteen more days until the women's doubles table tennis quarter-semi-hemi-demi-hexa-finals, Lisa!"). Time magazine devoted an entire special issue to it ("More sweat, less body hair!"). And those five linked rings -- officially nicknamed Sleepy, Dopey, Goofy, Doc and Oprah -- are everywhere.And then there are the sponsors. The Olympic Torch Relay -- or the 500 meter crawl -- was sponsored by Coca Cola, the official caramel colored paint remover of the Olympics. It's a fact that most Olympic athletes drink caseloads of Coke during training. They also eat lots of cake, which is why Betty Crocker ("The Official Fictitious Housewife and Martha Stewart Wannabe of the Olympics") came out with her SuperMoist Team USA99 Cake Mix. This easy to use mix bakes up into a beautiful white cake with red and blue thingys embedded in it. Thingys, in case you've never worked in a chemist's lab, are small foodlike items manufactured in colors not found in nature. Like Cheetos. And just in case the cake isn't enough to put you in the Olympic spirit, Betty kindly created a companion: canned vanilla Creamy Deluxe Team USA99 Frosting with red and blue candy stars.As if an ice cold Coke and a slice of cake doesn't add up to the breakfast of Olympic champions, Kellogg's was nice enough to help us out by releasing their mutant cereal product, All American Rice Crispies. Yup! I always say there's no better way to start your training day than with a big fat bowl of red, white and blue cereal, especially one that has the SNAP! of the starter's pistol, the CRACKLE! of the crowd's excitement and the POP! of groin muscles ripping out of place during the broad jump, an event that was nearly canceled this year out of concern for political correctness.It's interesting that while the Food and Drug Administration (motto: "We don't inhale or swallow.") has regulations telling the manufacturers of grits how fine, moist, fat and fibrous they must be, no one seems concerned that we're basically eating our flag! It's a good thing the members of Congress (motto: "Just like you only we don't work") voted down the flag desecration amendment or we'd all be in danger of being arrested while eating breakfast, which would make even more people skip the most important meal of the day than already do, resulting in lower test scores in school, more absenteeism from work, decreased productivity and fewer people calling their doctor because their stools look like the stars and stripes before Hawaii became a state.Actually, the Olympics are serious business. That's why the city of Atlanta ("Just like your city only we talk funny and the weather sucks") and the International Olympic Committee ("The official committee of the 1996 Summer Olympics") came up with a special mascot for the event: Izzy. Izzy, in case you haven't seen him yet, is a cute, cuddly character based on a real life pickle maker from New York's Lower East Side. Not only has Izzy, which is short for Israel, infuriated the two Arab countries that were invited ("What? No 100 meter bomb toss?"), but it caused Vlasic to pull out when their stork ("Just like Groucho but he's still alive") was turned down in favor of Izzy. Obviously the International Olympic Committee wasn't thinking that day. If they really wanted a popular mascot for the Olympics why didn't they just hire Pamela Anderson Lee?All of this is designed to make people want to go to Atlanta to see the Olympics. Like the very existence of events like equestrians ("the sport of kings"), badminton ("the sport of princes") and synchronized swimming ("the sport of flaming queens") isn't enough. If they really wanted to attract people to Atlanta they should have put a dome over the city and air conditioned it.Aside from having more streets named Peachtree than there are peach trees, Atlanta's perhaps best known for it's climate. Where Seattle has its rain, San Francisco its fog and Utah its locusts, Atlanta is known as the heat and humidity capital of the Western Hemisphere . That's why Olympic athletes ("You don't think we'd be here if we could get a cushy product endorsement, do you?") have spent the past month in Atlanta getting acclimated to the weather conditions. They sit in humidity chambers, measure their sweat and -- I swear this is true! -- even train with thermometers in their rectums to determine how hot their inside, or core, temperature has risen, giving rise to the Official Greeting of the 1996 Summer Olympics: "Is that a thermometer up your ass or are you running backwards?"Keep all this in mind as you watch the men's Field Hockey team get their bloomered asses kicked on your Olympic-size TV set in the air conditioned comfort of your living room while drinking an ice-cold Coca Cola and eating yet another slice of SuperMoist Team USA99 Cake with Creamy Deluxe Team USA99 Frosting (with red and blue candy stars). After all, the Olympics are an ancient tradition, second only to Bob Dole, who is, by the way, the Official Presidential Candidate of the 1996 Summer Olympics. Maybe he should change his name to Izzy?

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