WorldÕs Wierdest X-mas Ornaments

I've been exposed to many transgressive subculture moments in my profession. I've hung out with circus geeks, Satanists and prostitutes, appeared in a porn movie, been attacked by an unmarked government helicopter, snuck into a sex commune, ran with Rodney King rioters, and watched a QuickTime computer video of a guy fucking a chicken. But recently I witnessed an American subculture that absolutely terrifies me: the handmade Christmas ornament industry. Specifically, the work of Christopher Radko, the world's most famous Christmas ornament designer. The Oak Room restaurant of the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco is packed to capacity for lunch today, and with good reason. Celebrating the release of his "spectacular" 10th Anniversary collector's edition album Christopher Radko: The First Decade, the New York-based Radko is making a "rare" in-person appearance in San Francisco for a slide presentation, book signing and general ornament collector feeding frenzy. The 35-year-old Radko is extremely polite and friendly, handsomely dressed in muted green suit, his perfect flipped hair reminiscent of a post-Cher Sonny Bono, with a dash of Kenny Loggins. While his ardent fans -- primarily middle-aged women -- shovel in the chow at tables decorated with two-foot-high centerpieces, he quickly chats about his life in a manner one might call "professional soundbite spew." As he's talking, I'm remembering the words of his press lackey, who briskly answered my interview request with a snippy: "I don't think that's possible. He's going to be deluged with thousands of people." Yeah, well, S.F.'s Union Square seems pretty quiet today. Perhaps they're just held up at the airport. The tale of Radko ornaments is a classic fable of passion, disaster, grief, and finally, triumph of the will. While working at a talent agency in New York City in the early 80s, Radko spent Christmas with his family, as he usually did. Sadly, the holiday met with tragedy when their Christmas tree fell over, breaking many treasured glass ornaments. Ironically, the finger of blame points to Radko himself: "We had an old cast-iron tree stand made in Germany, but I didn't want to clean it out, so I bought this flimsy new one because it was like, shiny red and green, and I thought, 'Well, this will work,' but of course it didn't. One of the legs cracked." Fortunately, a cousin knew of a glass-blower in Europe, who agreed to help replace the ornaments and calm a panicked Radko -- provided he design them. He began sketching designs, importing more ornaments and selling them to local stores. Ten years later, he has 3,000 customers that buy from him in showrooms across the country. Today, the Oak Room is draped with banners and sashes that all say "Christopher Radko" in luxurious script. A Christmas tree completely crammed with glass ornaments sits on a table. Radko's designs are hand-blown eyeball assaults of multiple blinding colors, the sequin-soaked shapes dizzying in their variety: kitties, ducks, doggies, dolphins, bears, clowns, unicorns, pigs, sea horses, skiers, angels, alligators, elephants, wise men, King Tuts, genies coming out of bottles, gnomes in front of tree stumps, astronauts standing on satellites, Santas under giant mushrooms, Santas in tennis outfits or football uniforms, and my favorite, a double-amputee Captain Hook, where one hand is obviously a hook but in place of the other hand shoots out a silver-sequined, cane-like -- almost vaguely penile -- appendage that drops to the floor between his buckled shoes. Each ornament sells for between 15 and 45 bucks, and takes a week to make, in Radko's shops in Poland, Germany, Italy and the Czech Republic. Over 600 people are employed in the Radko European Theater of operations, using glass-blowing techniques of their great-grandfathers, with a few hundred more helping with distribution throughout the U.S. "I have an Eyelash Lady, all she does is paint eyelashes on all the ornaments," bubbles Radko proudly of his Eastern European sweatshop crew. "I have another lady, I call her the Seed Lady. Because I do fruits and strawberries, things like that. She paints every single seed on every single strawberry. The strawberries have like 150 seeds per ornament. She has good eyes." Unlike the old days, his ornaments are made out of break-resistant Pyrex glass. I ask if that means you can put them in the microwave, and he grabs my arm excitedly. "You can put them in your dishwasher too, but I wouldn't recommend that, because then the paint would come off!" People continually interrupt us, saying Radko should hurry up and eat lunch. I offer to end our chat, but he keeps waving me off, saying "Oh, that's okay, I'm a fast eater," and resumes his lightning-speed rap. "I really put my heart into what I do," he gushes. "My ornaments are about joy, and magic, and wonder, and light. And that transcends any religion. I think that's why a lot of people like my ornaments." Indeed, his celebrity ornament customers include Al Gore, Katharine Hepburn, Liz Taylor, Bruce Springsteen, Dolly Parton, Elton John. Radko then drops the big bomb.... "Streisand collects hundreds of my ornaments!" he exclaims. We pause in silence for a few moments, reflecting on this. After a beat, we then stroll over to look at a big chocolate cake made in his honor. Rising up out of the frosting is a big brown Radko symbol, a star-like logo based on the design of a compass. "Everyone should have a personal symbol," says the Ornament King, "and this is mine. All directions -- what I do goes around the world." Radko points to a 500-piece puzzle of his ornaments, and says enthusiastically, "On a stormy winter's night, this is what you do." We examine his new line of neckties and silk scarves with elaborate Christmas designs. He shows me the leather-bound collector's edition of his book, and pages through the contents: the history of ornaments, the process of manufacturing, the history of the Christmas tree, how to decorate your house for Christmas. I want to lie down in a pillowful of ether. In San Francisco, the premier Radko outlet is a tony downtown gift shop called the Glass Pheasant. "This is where it's at," says Gary the owner, gesturing to his store bulging with Radko ornaments. "The quality, detail, uniqueness -- he's Mr. Perfection." Behind us, a garish Christmas tree jammed with Radko pieces towers to the ceiling in a permanent year-long display. Is there a wide variety of Radko clientele? "16 to 89," replies Gary, with the tone of a man who deals in exact data. If all those other costs are covered this holiday season -- rent, food, bills -- and you're salivating at the idea of slapping down some real moolah, you're a prime candidate for the Christopher Radko Starlight Family of Collectors, which means you're really part of the inner ornament scene. Listen to all you get in your Welcome Kit: a free "Purrfect Present" ornament of a deformed kitty climbing out of a Christmas sock, a one-year subscription to Radko's Starlight quarterly magazine, another "members-only" ornament of Santa riding a reindeer, a "handsome black linen and gold embossed folio" to carefully tuck away your treasured back issues, a Radko logo pin which "will distinguish you as an exclusive member of the Family of Collectors," and a membership card and button. Radko shows me some limited-edition ornaments which currently sell for $25, but in three years will be worth a thousand bucks each. "There's a huge secondary market," he says. "It's insane what people will pay for that." Yeah, I'll say.Christopher Radko, PO Box 238, Dobbs Ferry, NY 10522.

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