Wham, Bam, Thank You Uncle Sam

It's the day Charlie Sheen prayed would never come. High noon for the flesh trade. No more hiring baby to do a bad bad thing. Mustang Ranch is out of the nookie biz.Nevada's first legalized and most famous bordello, now sits padlocked and empty, with no reprieve in sight. Guilty verdicts against the brothel's parent companies and a former madam in a federal fraud and racketeering trial brought about the demise of the pink stucco pleasure palace. The Mustang Ranch has been seized by the federal government, who now seem befuddled about what exactly to do with the joint."We're not going to operate it," said James Collie, chief of Internal Revenue Service investigation for the southwestern United States. "There is no intention of the government to operate it as a brothel."Horndogs everywhere let go a great heaving sigh of relief at this proclamation. The feds are so not equipped to step in and regulate the world's oldest profession. Nobody wins if Uncle Sam turns pimp; if he suddenly changes his moniker to "Huggy" Sam and ditches the tails and stovepipe for a full length chinchilla and a lid with some sass.Like it or not, brothels - currently only legal in certain Nevada counties - are poised to go mainstream. Due to a squishier moral climate, where vice and sin are often viewed as harmless indulgences, whorehouses could become the Starbucks of the new millennium. By rapidly expanding into markets never before considered, they could fill the interactive-entertainment-multiplex experience that the bankrupt Planet Hollywoods couldn't quite control. Even with the Mustang gone belly up, 40 other joy factories still dot the sparse Nevada landscape. More are scheduled to open.Attitudes are now so much more accepting, certain high profile politicians are not above singing the praises of swapping benjamins for the booty. Specifically, the bullet-headed governor of Minnesota, who has boasted about his swaggering visits to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City so often the brothel's owner has created a Jesse "The Body" Ventura Suite. How much longer before a state-sanctioned bordello opens just off the food court at Minneapolis's Mall of America? These are truly the salad days of mattress pounding.Of course such a rosy scenario gets very murky if the federal government decides to change their hands-off stance and intervene. Once they establish the Bureau of Erection Management and Distribution in Washington to oversee and regulate the industry, the previously simple act of procuring the services of a nocturnal-nymph is plunged into a nightmarish morass of red tape. Long lines, surly clerks and stacks of forms to fill out become the norm. Government operated brothels will take on all the charm of a Department of Motor Vehicle visit. Suddenly, the whole sex for money thing would seem so sleazy.Under federal supervision, re-structuring of the bordellos would lead, as everything in government, to a labyrinth of both automated and human portals. Potential customers would be shuttled from one department to another during the lengthy fantasy pre-screening process. Someone wanting to be spanked could cool their heels in the Department of Discipline for hours, filling out the necessary forms, only to be told they need to report to the Fetish Division: Ass-Whooping Branch.After all background checks and security clearances are completed and the customer is approved for sexual contact, the three day waiting period begins. If still not flaccid after this point, a session is scheduled between the customer and an orgasm technician. Customers will not be allowed to request a specific working girl or even a specific type, since this would violate anti-discrimination laws. Payment must be made in cash or by credit card. If Republican legislation passes, vouchers may be used.Working girls will no longer be independent contractors, but civil servants. So customers should not expect any services that fall outside their narrowly-defined job description. Also, there will be no flattery forthcoming regarding a customer's technique or size and girth of his equipment. It's an insurance thing. Such comments could leave the government vulnerable to a rash of lawsuits, if said depiction proves to be less than accurate.Since all federal employees are guaranteed one hour for lunch and a dozen 15 minute breaks each day, don't be surprised if the session is interrupted. The customer's needs will be handled by the next available operator. Supervisors will be present at all times, as will several other civil servants, standing around for no apparent purpose. After all, it's not like they can be fired.Remember, all federal buildings are non-smoking facilities, so hold off on the post-coital cigarette until you are outside in a designated smoking area. And of course, to preserve a clearly defined separation of church and state, the missionary position is prohibited. As is the calling out of, "Oh God, oh God."On the plus side, revenues from legalized prostitution would surely fatten the federal coffers, increasing the budget surplus and freeing up funds for other essential programs. On the down side, any healthy male caught whipping his willy could, theoretically, be prosecuted for tax evasion.

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