Unabomber For President!

I saw the Unabomber in Moab last week; or at least I thought I did. He was wearing sunglasses and a gray hooded sweatshirt just like in the artist sketches of him on the news. And, of course, he was protesting the perils of modern technology to the human soul by riding his synthetic polycarbide composite mountain bike through the red rocks.We stopped and talked for awhile about our distaste for the state of the world and he revealed to me that he's running for president. It sounded silly at first but given the joke campaigns of Dave Barry, Pat Paulsen and Ross Perot in the past, I guess it isn't all that unbelievable in comparison. It's not like we haven't had criminals, former criminals and subsequent criminals in office already. You decide on the pluses and minuses:* He's been quoted word for word in the New York Times and Washington Post: Sure, these papers of record report on all the presidential candidates, but they always do so with their personal bias and "spin." Just think how much more fairly they would treat a candidate that they were really afraid of.* He has no hidden agenda: His platform is all right there in black and white.* The chances of him having a running mate are slim: Agnew, Mondale, Bush, Quayle, and the current what's-his-name. Need I say more? National surveys continually find that more people can correctly identify a picture of the Star Trek character "Worf" than a picture of any current or past VP.* He won't appear on TV: Lyndon Johnson was the last president we had who looked like a mutt at a dog show. He was not photogenic and he did not speak well. Ever since, we have had a series of TelePrompTer driven pretty boys who are more concerned with photo opportunities and sound-bites than explaining what they are actually going to do.* No debates: These were a great idea in the Nixon/Kennedy years when people actually had attention spans and were not yet conditioned by laugh tracks and 30-minute sitcoms. Today the debates are well orchestrated monologues on the level of a third grade playground fight. "Did not, did too, prove it..."* No talk shows: The Unabomber will not try to appear "hip" by showing up on MTV and answering questions about condoms and alleged drug use.* No First Lady: Chances are he isn't married so there won't be a First Lady. Being the First Lady is the underpaid thankless U.S. version of England's Royal Family. The press is more interested in your hair and wardrobe than anything you will ever say.* He has used fewer bombs than any previous president. I know it may sound cruel, but in reality the Unabomber has killed fewer people in his war on technology than any of the previous presidents have in their wars on drugs, wars on communism, wars on countries attacking oil producers and wars on welfare mothers.* If elected he likely will not serve. That's the part that always spoils it -- right? I mean it was fun campaigning for and talking up Clinton and Vice President What's-His-Name, but the party was over once he actually took office. Rhetoric can only take you so far. There were the inevitable jokes about his weight, eating habits and the point by point analysis of his campaign promises. The Unabomber promises nothing and will deliver just that.

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