Thumbing for Alien Rides

What this whole suicide-cult-alien-beam-me-up-behind-the-comet thing ought to tell you is that you can, in fact, sell people anything. It is not that far off the kind of virulent lies we feed each other every day. There are people with toupee's who are convinced they have hair. There are people with vinyl siding on their home made to look like wood and people How much of a leap in logic is it to believe that Star Trek really is the android Emily Post guide to etiquette for the next millennium.We are a deranged species and we deserve all the weirdness we have trust upon us. The UFO suicide cult is just this week's installment in what looks to be a heck of sit-com from now till 2000. Like anything on the FOX network, all I ask is that you nut cases come up with scripts as least as believable as Baywatch. I mean, I can believe that there is a spaceship out there behind the comet, I just can't believe the drivers would want to pick any of up.Think about it, you're driving down the intergalactic billion-lane freeway when you look out the left porthole. There are a bunch of androgenous computer geeks with bad haircuts hanging out in a rented mansion. Be reasonable. If you were in their place would you even disengage the cruise control to get a better look?If there are any of you Heaven's Gate believers left out there, get a new decoder ring because you don't know "squat" about aliens. You are going to be standing on this corner of the universe with your thumb out till the cow that jumped over the moon comes home if you don't wise up. You are never going to hitch a ride to Boise much less the planet Zardon with this kind of behavior. I'm not claiming to be a PhD on the subject, but all you have to do is read the newspapers to get a pretty good profile of what aliens are looking for their interstellar car pool.First off, aliens never ever stop by high rent neighborhoods. They prefer the company of the real working class folks who live in trailer parks or at least humble bungalows near swamp land. Moreover, where do you expect the aliens to land and practice their crop circle art work? They really are not impressed by four-car garages.Aliens are a little party shy. They don't like to drop in on big groups even if they are dead. They prefer just one or two, preferably drunk, folks who are driving late at night on desolate highways. If this is not readily available, they will alternately drop in on a single insomniac's bed room. Bunk beds like those used by the Heaven's Gate cult are definitely a turn off.Speaking of turn offs, the androgyny and, yes even castration, are not going to help your chances. We all know from first-hand reports of alien abductees that after a long trip through the galaxy, the little guys are "looking for love" ...if you know what I mean. Personally representing the entire human race in some sort of seedy sailor-on-leave alien menage is more pressure than I need in my life.Also, flying saucer jockeys are not interested in people who know too much about computers. Especially those who make Web pages. Think about it. It is sort of like picking up a back seat driver. Who needs the hassle.

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