The Spin Dr. of Love: When is it wise to let something go?
Recently, I had to duke it out with my own neurosis. This happens every time there is something I desperately think I need or want from somebody who refuses to give it to me. My buttons get pushed, and I fire back like a heat seeking missile, doggedly pursuing my adversary until one of our psyches is shot down in flames. What distinguished this episode from others is that at some point in the midst of my ranting and raving, I was able to step back and gain perspective on my motives. Once I had wrestled my will to the ground, which had taken a firm stand on winning the argument, I could suggest to myself that maybe there was a good reason I was not getting what I wanted. Then again maybe there was a lesson in the struggle itself. The real question then became, When is it better to dig in my heels, and go toe-to-toe with an opponent, and when is it better to pack up my marbles and go home? In order to find an answer, I had to step into the ring with my dysfunctional self and, as boxing ref Mills Lane might say, Get it on. PRELIMINARY ACTION La-dies and gent-le-men! Welcome to the beating yourself up chamionship of the world. In this corner appearing rather frail and peaked we have, Purpose. Purpose has a lot of heart, much needed when protecting the soul. Purpose battles for real needs, not simply for something it fears not having. It fights infrequently, which is why it looks like Pee-Wee Herman in a muscle tee. And in this corner, bulging and rippling with self-confidence, the undisputed heavy-weight champion, Ego! Ego fights from the gut to protect the heart; it wages war on anyone or anything that threatens to control it or cause pain. Naturally, Ego is favored in tonight's bout. FEELING THINGS OUT Problem is, when Ego fights, the threats are not always real. Since Ego is driven by fear, it is often confused and wastes unnecessary energy defending itself. It is exhausting to constantly be in a life and death struggle, which is how the ego perceives every match. When two egos collide, it results in one crushing the other. There is no compromise. There is only victory and defeat. When Ego wins, victory is only temporary. For an instant, the winner revels in feeling safe and vindicated. But the war goes on. This is a common pattern found in many relationships. For example, couples will often argue the same issues over and over, with a few title fights along the way. Each time they exchange jabs and go for the kill, the relationship goes down for the count. In the end, it s a split decision and nobody wins. GOING THE DISTANCE Purpose doesn't need to hit below the belt or knock someone for a loop to get what it wants. More important, he doesn't need to get kicked in the teeth over and over again. Boundaries are set, and no trespassing is the operative phrase. Purpose has faith that what it needs will be provided. Nobody can hurt it or withhold something it wants because it doesn t give that kind of power away to another person. THE NEW CHAMPION When Purpose is in the ring, everybody wins. This is not to say that when you fight from Purpose, you cower to confrontation. You don t have to humiliate another person into feeling like a looser in order to be a winner. It is not your goal to convince someone else of the merits of your argument. You simply make a choice about what to accept and what not to accept. If someone is unwilling to meet your needs and expectations, then you deal with that pain and not the pain of trying to convince or change them. You also learn that when you come from Purpose, sometimes letting go is the most powerful blow you could ever deliver. Ego will always try to pick a fight. The next time Ego challenges you, whether it be your own or somebody else's, take a lesson from me, and don t mix it up. To reach the Spin Dr. of Love line locally call 789-2625. Out of area call 800-322-9943. To fax your questions (702) 324-4572. Mail questions to 316 California Ave., Ste. #210, Reno, NV 89509.