The Hidden Power of Cheese Pizza

Now that you've chosen your victim, the one you want to keep as your life-long love slave, you need a potion or some magic ingredient to ensure his or her cooperation. Which substance from this smorgasbord of life we call Earth will do the trick?Let's see ... There's that old standby -- perfume. There are all kinds of things out there that claim to be more than just a pretty scent. Musk, for instance. That's supposed to mimic the effects that a whiff of testosterone has on women. And there are colognes on the market that are supposedly full of compounds isolated from human sweat glands, not to mention various animal musks and things of that nature, that are very expensive and are presumably supposed to trigger the mating instinct in humans. Or at least cause people to gravitate toward inanimate objects. I read of an experiment in which a few theater seats were sprayed with a compound called an androstenone, which you can actually consciously smell. The women in the audience showed a "statistically significant preference" for these seats. Then, another experiment involved subjects choosing the most attractive women from a collection of photos. Men and women tended to choose whichever photo they happened to be looking at when they could smell an androstenone. I mean, "it increased the probability that the lady on the photo would be selected." Yeah. I guess bulls aren't the only animals who can be led around by the nose. Does that mean that we are on the same level as the insect that tries to copulate with a certain orchid that "smells" like the female of his species? Perfume manufacturers are betting that we are!Animal parts. Most people have probably stumbled upon information about things like the "tiger-penis soup" of China or some similar concoction. According to one website, "organotherapy" has been practiced at least since the heyday of the Romans, who supposedly believed that eating a healthy animal organ would cure whatever ailed the corresponding human organ. Think this is one reason people still eat things like "mountain oysters" today? Nobody knows just why haggis is still around. Everybody knows about oysters, so we won't go there, but perhaps everyone doesn't know that the term "Spanish fly" is not a pseudonym for some handy little potion of laboratory-mixed chemicals. It is a potent poison made of actual crushed Spanish "fly," also known as a "blister beetle," which is roughly the length of a June bug. From the description I've read it smells and tastes pretty nasty. Apparently the Romans liked to slip it into each other's food to get them to do things they could later use against them. This stuff is apparently so potent that, not only can you kill yourself by eating or drinking it, but it can also seep through your skin and mucous membranes. You may have heard Spanish fly will give you or your partner an erection that just won't quit. This is called a "priapism" and it is not a good thing. It's a painful condition caused by irritation of the urinary tract, and has absolutely nothing to do with sexual desire. Plus, it will be an intensely embarassing thing to have to see a doctor about. So don't do it! Stick with a tried-and-true method. Pour your date a few drinks. But not too many. (If you don't know why, then you're probably too young to even be thinking about aphrodisiacs anyway. Or a non-drinker. You guys can just fast-forward a paragraph or two to the part about food. Be with you in a moment.)Not only does alcohol release inhibitions but, according to one site, a British scientific journal called "Nature" published a study in 1994 that claimed that alcohol raises women's testosterone level. Because women's libido runs on only a tenth of the amount it takes for men, tiny increases of the hormone can produce drastic effects in a woman's ... um, state of being.Personally, I don't know if alcohol can increase your testosterone level, but I do know that a little bit of Bud can go a long way. White portwine and wild strawberries (together) are supposedly pretty darned potent, while red portwine is not. However, since many spices are considered aphrodisiacs, it stands to reason that "mulled," or spiced, wine is more powerful a love potion than just the plain stuff. Such magic spices include ginger, cinnamon and cloves. In fact, if you put those things in red burgundy with some vanilla and sugar, you will have something called Hippocras' aphrodisiac which comes recommended by the French author Rabelais.All kinds of spices are held to have love potions locked up in their cellular structures. One source recommends milk spiced with cloves. A mixture of nutmeg, half-boiled egg and honey is supposed to improve sexual endurance if you take it an hour before your performance. Then there's pepper. (And you always thought this dark little seed was the "plain Jane" of the spice family!) Sources describe everything from chewing pepper grains and applying the saliva to the male member just before intercourse to mixing it with lavender, musk, honey and preserved ginger and rubbing said member vigorously with it. This is supposed to make it large and "brawny" and "afford the woman a marvellous feeling of voluptuousness," as quoted from an aphodisiac book called "The Perfumed Garden." You can also put it in your food.Many herbs are considered aphrodisiacs. Herbal Remedies carries several. KBC is a mixture of rucommia bark, rehmannia root and morinda plant (which, according to Herbal Remedies owner Shaunna Lyons, is similar to a cactus). Nine out ten people say it worked for them, she says, including her. XA, made of damiana, saw palmetto berries and ginseng, Shaunna says, is particularly good for men. She also carries yohimbe, which is only for men; vitamin E; and damiana, which she says is good for women who have trouble getting pregnant.The word vanilla, in some round-about way, actually means vagina. The Spanish word VAINILA is a diminutive of VAINA, which means, literally, vagina. Or pod. Go figure.There are tons of dishes and additives that are supposed to have lust inducing properties. One list I found includs celery, jasmin, Cayenne pepper and chickpeas, which the Romans fed to their stallions. Rosemary and thyme are two more well-known herbs. You can stop humming now. Tell you what, though. If it's a man you're trying to seduce, Chicago neurologist Alan Hirsch has found something that beats all of this exotic stuff: food. Just plain, old, ordinary food. The smell of certain foods apparently can increase blood flow to the mighty sword up to 40 percent. Men are especially turned on by the smells of roast meat, cinnamon buns, chocolate, strawberry flavoring and peppermint. But my personal favorite, the one that says it all, is the mighty cheese pizza.

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