SLIGHTLY OFF CENTER: Fun Sucking Zombies

Feeling a little down lately? It's no wonder.We are all systematically being made to feel inadequate by the Fun Sucking Zombies of the world. These are the whining black holes of smoldering funk that could suck the fun out of a swimming pool full of kids on free ice cream day. They would remind you of your tax obligation if you won the lottery. They would complain about crowding at an orgy. Well, you get the idea.Fun Sucking Zombies (FSZs) are all around you. They look like normal people until they open their mouths. These are the characteristics of the five most common types:Vince Lombardi FSZs are the type of people that turn little league sports into competition. You can see them on the sidelines berating coaches and officials' decisions. They quote readily from the sporting scripture -- "Winning isn't everything, it' the only thing" "Defeat is worse than death, you have to live with defeat."It's a dog eat dog world and these people are in charge of the kennels. You can hear them saying to their kids "Don't throw that Frisbee or go swimming (i.e. have fun), save yourself for the big game."Then there are food FSZs. It's best not to think too hard about the contents of any type of food these days. Everything has a least a minute probability of causing cancer, obesity or clogged arteries. So, it's hard to be too self-righteous about what you eat. However, FSZs are up to the challenge. Food FSZs are always after your red meat, soda pop and donuts. "You're not going to eat THAT are you?"Food FSZs eat rice cakes in public and Twinkies at home.Television is always a favorite FSZ target. Admit it, at some point in your life you probably have watched "Gilligan's Island" or "Leave it to Beaver" and found it to be a pleasant way to spend 30 minutes. We humans are endowed with a wacky fun-loving nature that occasionally craves mindless entertainment and pork rinds.The favorite game of my educated-beyond-their-intelligence friends is bragging about who watches less television. "Well Frank and I only watch PBS (alias Pretty Boring Stuff).""Mary and I haven't watched any TV for three years now.""That's great, Beth and I are trying to raise our child Moonbeam in a TV-free environment."At this point I start getting nauseated and usually say "Television? What's television?"The highways are full of FSZs. These fun suckers remind you that lights are green and that if you just took a right turn here and drove through that alley you could cut off 45 seconds of driving time. You can hear them heaving deep sighs in the grocery lines and tap dancing in line behind you at the bank.My reply is usually "Yes, and what great thing will you do with this 45 seconds you might save?"FSZs are frequent fliers. While the rest of us just go walking or hiking through the woods, the truly boorish go "trekking" in foreign lands and bring back photos that are frighteningly similar to those you can take right here in our mountains. The only difference is that there is a llama instead of a cow in the foreground of their pictures.Travel FSZs have always gone further, higher, longer and more out-of-the-way than you.If you said "Me, Elvis and Bigfoot were having a couple of Jolt Colas over at the Lock Ness Monster's house, but you know, I forgot my camera." They would reply "Yah, that's interesting, but we..."Like all zombies, there really is no way to kill FSZs. However, their self-exile to a state of walking death is punishment enough.

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal

Don't Sit on the Sidelines of History. Join Alternet All Access and Go Ad-Free. Support Honest Journalism.